Kids are bloody amazing they are.

Last night at 1am, there I was minding my own business and sleeping, when my bedroom door was suddenly flung open.

Standing in the doorway (like ET's dad did when he came out the spaceship), was Izzy .... and she was crying.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" I asked jumping out of bed and running across the room.

"Don't say 'bloody', it's a rude word," she sobbed as I knelt down before her.

Good to know that she has standards even in the face of adversity. That's my gal.

"Ok, sorry," I replied, "what the bally hell is up with you?"

And then she wailed the words that every parent dreads to hear at 1am in the morning ..... after being awoken from a deep sleep ....... and a dream where Tom Berenger was hand-feeding me grapes ........ "I've got earache!"

Awwww shit. As you probably already know, earache is a parental epic which generally has the following cycle:

child does painful cries ..... administer Ibuprofen ..... sleep for 5 minutes ..... child develops fever ..... administer Calpol ..... child dozes for 5 minutes and then wakes up too hot ..... give child fluids ..... child dozes for 5 minutes ..... then wakes up too cold ..... cover child up ...... child dozes for 5 minutes and then wakes up too hot again, and ear has started hurting again.

Then repeat the above ad infinitum until 7am arrives and the alarm commences it's incessant beeping.

That's what I did last night. As justice goes, it was rougher than a badger's arse.

But to add insult to extreme tiredness, literally the minute that I dragged myself out of bed this morning (after no more than two hours kip), Izzy suddenly dropped off into a deep, contented sleep which lasted for the rest of the day.     

How do they do that?

All kids seem to possess the superhero power of 'inconvenient illnesses' (as you can probably tell, I am not cut out for working in the 'caring' sector). That's why I am not Mother Annie of Calcutta.


Anyway, you will be glad to hear that I managed to cheer myself up by finding this video of an awkward kiss. Prepare to cringe ..................... it's the dog's danglies.



And if that wasn't cool enough, my chum Robert, from the blog 'Awkright Around the Railway', sent me the following clip, because it has got an aircraft in it and he knew that I used to work in aerospace. 

It's awesome. In prelude, basically an airliner was preparing to land when the front nose-wheel (landing gear) failed to deploy properly ..... and this is what happened next ...................

Look at me .......... I am all over the place at the moment. I have got some new work projects coming to fruition, which basically means that every day throws up a new set of cards which keeps me very busy. Hell, if I want to keep on top of my gadget acquisitions, I need a source of income, even if it means that I can no longer be hand-fed grapes on my chaise longue.

And in the melee of work, I nearly forgot to announce a winner of the caption competition ...... you know the one .....































P.P.S. On a totally unrelated note, apparently today is the day when 'online shopping' reaches it's peak as people try to sort out Christmas. Is this true? The news says that there is a phenomenon called AWOL (which means 'absent from work whilst online - i.e. you are internet shopping whilst at work).

As you know, this week I bought myself a new chariot, but I didn't tell you what it was because I didn't have any photographs. But you will be pleased to know that I have now remedied this state of affairs, and without further ado, I would like to introduce you to my new car ................... it's sex on wheels.




And because I am like Mother Theresa (except that I don't need ironing as much), I made sure that I got some gadgets for Izzy to play with too ...... and I think I excelled myself ....... hence I am the gadget queen: The rear seats have TV's (with infra-red headsets) which are also hooked up to a DVD player. And if she ever gets bored of watching DVDs, she can use her remote control to switch over to the built-in PlayStation (complete with full PlayStation controls).

How totally bloody BLING is that?


Steve and Izzy were particularly eager to see my new car when it arrived, so I called them the moment it was in my driveway. Their reactions were ......

Steve exclaimed: "Jeez! Nothing shouts 'wanker' louder than a Ranger Rover."

Izzy screamed a lot, and shouted "Woo Hoo" when she saw the DVD and PlayStation stuff, before adding, "Can we give our new car a name?"

"Erm, I suppose so," I said, "but it's only a chunk of metal."

Izzy ignored my lack of sentimentality completely: "I want to call it the Girls-Only Gang Car," she replied.

"It's not very snappy as names go," I pointed out.

"But I can't think of anything else," Izzy said, looking a bit forlorn.

"How about, John the Motor?" I asked, clutching at the first straw that entered my head.


"Yes! John the Motor!" she shouted, as satisfied as a bollock-licking dog.

So dahlink, I am still figuring out how I will park the bugger, and what all the buttons do ...... but I can safely say ..... it is abso-bloody-lutely amazing. It is like driving around in your living room. Except your living room doesn't have as many gadgets.

P.S. I just had a thought - I wonder what the all-time best feature/gadget of a car is? What is the best feature / gadget in your car? This could be really bloody interesting .................. We could run a feature called the 'most important features in a car - as rated by the drivers'.

I bloody love cars I do ..... it's because they are the ultimate gadget. Yes sirree.

I love motorbikes too, although I haven't had one since Izzy arrived on the scene. It seemed a bit reckless ferrying a newborn baby around on the pillion of a superbike ... even by my relaxed standards. I worked out that she would have to be attached to the bike using her car seat and a heady mixture of gaffer tape and bungy cords, which was immediately a big no-no. Gaffer tape plays hell with your paintwork.

So now I stick to cars. And I have noticed that my car buying predilection has fallen into two distinct categories: BI and AI (Before Izzy, and After Izzy).

BI, I would never have purchased a car that did 0-60 mph in greater than 8.5 seconds. Hence I bought cars like these .....



Not only that, I also simultaneously owned 'sensible' cars for work (with four doors because I had to take clients out for lunch etc.)  .... like an A6 Audi Quattro, and a Mercedes E240 and a BMW 325i. You see what I mean  - I love cars - it's what I spend my money on. Some people like clothes shopping ... I like my motors (and gadgets). 

Anyway, I digress ..... Ignore the cars that I used to have. For the purposes of frugality (i.e. raising funds to set-up a new business) I have spent the last year or so driving around in a shit heap ..... that is, a thirteen-year-old Peugeot 306 ('L' registration plate).

And even though I have only washed the Peugeot once since I bought it (and it is covered in green mould), I have to admit that it has been as reliable as hell. It has started every time, and does an amazing 550 miles to a tank.

But that's not enough for a gal who relishes her cars and gadgets.

Last weekend, I had a spare half hour so I decided to idly browse Auto-Mart (the car selling website) to see what was knocking around (after all, my business was starting to do well and I could afford to look).

And then out of the blue, I found my perfect PI (Post-Izzy just in case you had forgotten) car ....................

I had a few chats with the seller over the phone, and before you could say "don't do anything rash", I had agreed the sale.

And today I went to pick the car up - bloody marvellous!

It's a shame that I don't have a photograph, but it was too dark to take one by the time I got home. But man alive, it is a beast ..... rarrrrr! (that was me being a beast). I am not going to do a 'Big Reveal' just yet, because I have forgotten to take photographs .... how annoying am I? So once I have got them ..... I shall post them on here.

So dahlink - what is your dream car? ..... and is there a discrepancy between that and what you really want to drive?

I bloody love going out I do. Staying in gives me cabin fever, because I always feel like I am missing out on stuff. It's pretty sad given my age. Really, I should be sitting on the sofa in my comfy slippers, watching the 'Antiques Roadshow', drinking cups of tea and moaning that the youth of today don't know they're born.

But because doing that would result in crap blog posts, I try to inject a bit of tenacity into the proceedings. It spices things up a bit you see - a bit like dusting your morning breakfast cereal with chilli powder, but not so minging, and it doesn't dissolve your stomach lining.

"Stop banging on, and tell us what you have been up to," I hear you cry.  

Well, I have been to see none other than BOB DYLAN AND MARK KOPFLER in concert. Huzzar!

Yep, me and three chums had tickets to see those two icons performing at the MEN Arena in Manchester.

As I drove up North on the night of the concert, I was shaking like a Scouser in a sport's shop. Yep, I was properly excited. 

Ok, so I wasn't so much a fan of Mark Knopfler, but hell, Bob Dylan had been a constant theme whilst I was at University; his sounds had wound their way through my years there. At the time, I had wanted to look all windswept, interesting, and rebellious - all in one go. And the only way to do that was to (1) buy a powerful hairdryer; (2) listen to Bob Dylan and (3) wear Doc Marten boots, respectively. 

Anyway, I digress again ...... back to the concert ..... I have got pictures for you ..................





So how was Mark Knopfler? Well, you would never call him a showman. It was like he was rehearsing in his mate's living room - he just stood at the front of the stage playing his guitar in a minimalist way (i.e. you had to strain to see him moving).

And he had no engagement with the audience whatsoever (most of whom wanted him to play his old Dire Straits tracks, but he didn't).

But he did go a good bit where he did a 'play off' with a double bass and a violin. It was spectacular, and he g'eed everyone up by moving at least two feet to the left in as many minutes. 


So how did the great Bob Dylan (aged 71) fare? Well, he made the most rubbish entrance I have ever seen. Imagine a TV reality show called 'Rubbish Entrances' - Bob would have been crowned winner.

Get this: Whilst he was still back stage, he shouted the names of his band members down the microphone, and then sneaked onto the stage in total darkness, only to be already singing once the lights came on.

It took me a full five minutes to figure out where he was on the stage. Talk about lack of showmanship - Michael Jackson he was not.

During the interval, I suggested to my chums that maybe he should have dressed as a devil and 'flown' onto the stage using a zip-wire whilst simultaneously letting off fireworks. They said that I didn't 'get' Bob Dylan.

Anyway, back to Bob Dylan's performance ........................



I have to say, that Bob was right when he said that a performer can become successful with an 'unconventional' (i.e. crap) voice. Do you know that film, Rawhide? Well Bob Dylan sounded exactly like the chap who sang 'Rolling Rolling Rolling' - you know the one that I mean.

He basically just growled out all the lyrics and you couldn't make out any of the words. Every song sounded like: rurrrrrrry bur burrrrrry, rurrrrrry lurrrrrrrry grrrrrrrrrrrry ....... I sey ...........rurrrrrryy wurrrrry lurrrrrrry meeeeeeeeee.

BUT, lack of diction aside, his music was kick-ass foot-tapping stuff. You can actually sample a bit of it in the video that I took below ...................... actually scrub that ................... this was a sub-standard version of like a rolling stone (one of my all-time fave songs).


P.S. Apparently Bob Dylan does not like audiences looking at him, which is why the audience was kept in dark throughout his whole set - so he couldn't see them

P.P.S Apparently, Bob Dylan once turned up to do a concert, only to find that he could actually see the audience. So he performed the entire set at the back of the stage, with his back to the punters. Nob

P.P.S. What is the best concert that you have been to?

P.P.P.S. I found out after the concert that photography was banned. That'll explain some of the dirty looks I endured.

Blimey, I have not had access to an internet connection for a few days now. It's a bit like suffering from dehydration and then having your IV drip removed. Probably.

The reason behind my internetless state is because I have been oop North, helping my chum Sarah move into her new house ..... compounded by the fact that telecomms companies are twats - it always takes them at least a week to get new telephone and wi-fi packages up and running.

It's a bloody good job that utilities companies aren't so tardy .... otherwise they would leave a trail of dead hypothermic geriatrics in their wake, and that gets quite messy. I should imagine.

So I have spent the last few days humping furniture about, doing DIY jobs on Sarah's new house, and eating Subway sandwiches for every meal (there was a Subway within 30 seconds walk of her house - excellent). In fact I started to look like a Steak and Cheese melt with Jalapenos if you looked at me in a jaunty angle.

But unfortunately, I totally forgot to take many pictures, in fact I only took three because I was so busy ..... here goes ...............

Burly rugby player has a stroke after freak gym accident … then wakes up gay and becomes a hairdresser

• Chris Birch loses eight stone and transforms himself from skinhead to 'preened man'
• Gives up job in bank and retrains as a hairdresser

I had too much time on my hands today.

What's that saying? ...... 'Idle minds are the devil's workshop?'

I decided to create a 'caption competition' for you, using Izzy's toys. You see, I am always making sure that you are entertained. I am a bit like Ghandi in that respect (except that I don't wear unfashionable glasses).

So here goes ...................




To make the caption competition more difficult, I have added two pictures instead of one becase I am contrary like that. But you only need to submit ONE caption which covers both scenarios.

The winner will be interviewed via email, and the interview will be published on my blog. I will also select a neutral third party to do the judging ....... be careful it might be you!

Enjoy.....!

Imagine my sheer delight when a few weeks ago, a relly gave me a couple of free tickets to visit Thorpe Park.

"What the blazes is Thorpe Park?" I hear you cry. 

Well, it is a theme park specialising in extreme thrills, which basically means that it is full of totally mental roller coasters. Including one of the (allegedly) scariest roller coasters in the world, called 'Stealth'.

I couldn't possibly pass up an opportunity like that, especially as I love fast stuff. So today, Steve and I took the day off work (I am working on his website with him) and made our way to Thorpe Park to use up the tickets and soak up a bit of adrenalin. Aaah, sometimes it's great being your own boss. Not so great when you need someone to blame ..... but anyway, I digress.

Back to the Stealth roller coaster.

Did I go on it? Well first of all, here is a picture of it for you .................. and it looks a LOT bigger in real life.



I especially like the bits where she was shouting 'please god, please help me god!' towards the end.

So dahlink, will you come on the Stealth roller coaster with me next time I visit Thorpe Park?