Top 30 Funny Dogs of All Time

I developed a new hobby last week. After accidentally stumbling across my Taxidermy gone wrong blog post again, I decided that comedy animals were the way forward.

In particular, comedy dogs. So I spent ages amusing myself by collecting funny dog pictures that I found on the internet. I could amuse myself indefinitely with virtually no external stimuli I could.

And because I am like Mother Theresa, except that my eyebrows are more coiffed, I have included some of my favourite pictures for you ........ enjoy.

Pic.No.1 I've got something stuck in my teeth

Pic.No.2 Blimey, I wouldn't like to encounter that on a dark night

Pic.No.3 Is this the thickest mutt in the whole of Christendom?

Pic.No.4 The brakes weren't working properly

Pic.No.5 The bells, the bells ........ a real-life 'Elephant Mutt'

Pic.No.6 God yeh ....... I love my owner "this much." Honestly

Pic.No.7 That man's trousers are too short

Pic.No.8 There's got to be a Darwin award in there somewhere

Pic.No.9 Are you sure they aren't Gremlins?

Pic.No.10 It wasn't me

Pic.No.11 Who threw that?

Pic.No.12 Salvador Dali dog

Pic.No.13 Was I bad in a previous life?

Pic.No.14 Don't even think about taking the piss ...............

Pic.No.15 Sigh ...... I was a mighty warrior in my last life

Pic.No.16 Ha ha. Very funny .... now can I go for a nap?

Pic.No.17 I always wandered how dishwashers worked

Pic.No.18 Thank god that we don't have a follow-on picture of the white mutt's face

Pic.No.19 If you are in trouble, and if you can find him, you too can hire 'Paperbag Dog'

Pic.No.20 What's seen, cannot be unseen ..... what the hell's lurking behind that labrador's ear?

Pic.No.21 You've dressed me as an AT-AT?! What about my street-cred man?!

Pic.No.22 It's all about that 'Swiss Finishing School' dahlink

Pic.No.23 I look like a dick

Pic.No.24 This gives new meaning to the phrase 'you gangly twats'

Pic.No.25 Hey man, you're in my space

Pic.No.26 Faithful? Yes. Clever? Errrrr ....... nope

Pic.No.27 God-dog prays for extra sausages

Pic.No.28 Sorry mate, I thought you were a rug

Pic.No.29 Always go incognito in a strange neighbourhood

Pic.No.30 Run for your life ............ it's a dangerous twig

Pic.No.31 Awwww ...... look at little Johnny colouring-in the family pet. Bless

Pic.No.32 Any excuse to flash the 'California Smile'

So dahlink, I hope you enjoyed my new collection of comedy dog pictures. Do you like collecting any random stuff? And what the devil are you doing with yourself this week?

It's the Easter Laptop! On the Third Year it Arose

About eight months ago I decided that I needed to clean out the cellar in my Oxford cottage. It was full to the brim with random crap that I had dumped there after selling my London house.

So every time I had a spare hour or two, I would drag stuff out of there, and flog it on Fleabay.

Pic.No.1 The stairs down to my cellar. They (and the cellar itself) are allegedly older than the house which was built in 1546

Pic.No.2 Every time I went down the stairs, I walked passed this axe. Who's axe is that? I keep expecting Norman Bates to turn up with it whilst I am having a shower

Pic.No.3 This is the random crap in my cellar ....... after spending 8 months trying to clear it out. As you can imagine, it beggars belief what it looked like before

Anyway, I was in the cellar two weeks ago when I stumbled across a laptop box. When I opened it, I discovered a laptop that I had destroyed whilst holidaying in America in 2009 (opens in a separate window).

My insurance policy had long since provided me with a replacement laptop, and I had just bunged the old one in the cellar to keep it out of the way. But after stumbling across it again, I decided to get rid of it by selling it as 'spares or repair' (non-functioning machine) on Ebay.

After one day, a potential buyer sent me an Ebay message: "please can you tell me if you there is any activity on the screen when you turn on the laptop?"

After killing the laptop in America, (I was fairly sure) I hadn't witnessed any screen activity at all, but I decided to double-check because it all happened so long ago. I plugged the laptop into the mains and turned it on (ooh baby, you are looking all sleek and shiny in that lovely laptop case).

And you will never bloody believe this ....... the laptop booted up perfectly .... right the way up to the Windows desktop. Then, after extensive testing, I established that everything was working as it should.

NO WAY! What's the likelihood of that?

Pic.No.4 My previously-dead Vaio came to life after a couple of years of dormancy

It was like the Easter of laptops. My next discovery will probably be the 'shroud of Forest Hill'; a cardboard box with an outline of where my laptop lay whilst it was in the cellar.

Many people would probably say that any laptop that had endured that level of abuse, deserved to be put into an old laptop's home to decay gently.

But not me!  I decided to relist it on Fleabay as a working laptop in order to generate a few more spondulicks to pop into my pocket.

And ...... kerrrrrrching ............... the thing sold for £240. That'll keep in me Bolly for a couple of weeks dahlink.

A 28 year old mother-of-one bought it. She lived in Oxford and asked if she could collect the laptop from my house. I told her that she could, but as soon as she arrived, I realised quite quickly that she was a 'talker'. She had had a stroke two years ago, but her best friend (who was a vet), helped her greatly. Apparently it had taken the doctors 3 months to correctly diagnose her stroke, by which time it was mostly better, but now she was on blood-thinning medication for life. And her partner was not pulling his weight when it came to looking after the kid which was making things more difficult. If it wasn't for her mum she would be lost. But she was so thankful for having a new laptop because she found daytime boring ... not having a job and all. Her house needed jobs doing on it, so she was going to buy some paint and stuff online to try and save money. Not that her partner would appreciate that; he kept spending money on useless stuff even though she didn't have a job and they were short of money, and he took forever to do any DIY jobs. It was a good job that they got a good deal on the divan bed in the main bedroom or else they would still be sleeping on the old bed. And crikey, Maddy is such hard work now that she is approaching two. She's into everything and you can forget relaxation. Last week she was caught chewing on a lacy thong that she had retrieved from the washing basket. And if that wasn't enough, just last week Joel was saying that maybe they should try for another 'un, but no fear there, she had got some new contraceptive pills  ..... blah blah blah blah blah

I nearly offered to pay her £240 to leave. She was like a pull-string doll (with a very long string). But after gradually and subtley ushering her towards the front door, I finally managed to get her over the threshold.

"Nice to meet you!" I shouted at her whilst she was mid-sentence. And then I shut the front door without without waiting for a reply.

She continued talking to the closed front door for a couple of minutes, before realising that she had run out of people to talk at.

Crikey, I have never known anyone talk so much. If I had to give her a nickname, it would be 'White Noise'.

So dahlink, have you ever submitted an insurance claim? And if yes, what was it? (please type quietly because I am still suffering after my encounter with White Noise).

Opera in Oxford? I am more cultured than penicillin!

Bally marvellous - it has been a Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK, which means that we get an extra days holiday to add onto the weekend. Which of course gives me valuable time to recover from being a lady of leisure. It's tough trying to juggle all that 'me' time in between my Bolly deliveries and quaffing foie gras.

I had a treat lined up. My chum from university (Sarah) was coming to Oxford from Leeds for the weekend, and she was bringing her bessie mate, Gary. They were due to arrive on Saturday lunchtime, but despite the fact that they had a sat-nav, they still managed to get horribly lost, and arrived quite late.

I opened the front door and greeted them, "you pair of joeys, where've you been?"

"The sat-nav kept taking us the wrong way," Sarah replied, pointing at the offending device. 

I picked it up and following a brief examination the problem became clear, "you have got it set to plan a 'walking' route," I said.

"That'll explain why it kept trying to take us down bridle paths," she exclaimed.

They are both teachers, and sometimes I worry about placing Izzy's future in their hands.

Anyway, there wasn't much time for dilly-dallying because we had planned a busy weekend starting with a night at the opera. Oxford is turning me all cultured and if I don't watch out, I could soon be attending afternoon tea dances and eating cucumber sandwiches.

We all jumped into my bling machine and headed off for some pre-theatre dinner. And because I am kinder than Mother Theresa, except that I don't like eating just rice, I have got some photographs for you.

Pic.No.1 We went for dinner at The Trout in Wolvercote. That is Sarah on the left, and Gary on the right. Sarah was both uncharacteristically shy, and flicked me the v's at the same time

Pic.No.2 I must say that the food is always rather scrumptious in The Trout. Gary had scallops and a pint of lager to start [northerner you see]

Pic.No.3 Then we headed off to the New Theatre in Oxford to see the opera

Pic.No.4 We had tickets to see Madama Butterfly and the acronym UNO stands for Ukranian National Opera

I couldn't take any pictures of the performance because if you are caught with a camera, I've heard that the theatre attendants shoot you in the back of the head.

"So what was it like?" I hear you cry. 

Well, imagine my chagrin to discover that they were all singing in a weird language. 

"What the bloody hell is going on here? They are singing in foreign," I hissed in Gary's ear. 

"That's because Puccini was Italian," he whispered back, before adding, "look over there at that electronic sign - you can read the English subtitles."

That was me sorted. Nice one Gary.  

But what a woeful tale Madama Butterfly was. Basically, this Japanese bird fell in love with a yank. He got her in the family way and then buggered off back to America without realising. Despite being destitute, the Japanese bird (called Butterfly) remained loyal to him and wouldn't marry anyone else. Meanwhile, back in America, evil yank man was boffing another bird the whole time. He eventually married her, and their travels took them back to Japan. They bumped into Butterfly and the betrayal became apparent. She gave them her son, and then promptly topped herself with a dagger. 

All light-hearted family fun. If I was Butterfly I would have got a job shelf-stacking to earn some money. Who knows? She might have even been able to work herself up to be assistant manager.

Sunday 6th May

The bloody sun was out! Holy Mary Mother of God - we dropped to our knees and wept with joy. And then we decided to go into Oxford for a spot of lunch and a wander around.

Pic.No.5 This was Izzy (clutching 'Jingly', her pink bear) inside the Oxford Indoor Market. As you can see, she was delighted to be out and about without her Nintendo DS. She looks like a deprived child from the Eastern Bloc

Pic.No.6 We found a cafe called 'Mortons' inside the indoor market and decided to partake. The food was reasonably priced and freshly cooked, but they botched our order, and my food didn't come out until 10 minutes after everyone elses. I was so mad that I ruthlessly squashed a sachet of butter

Pic.No.7 And now for a bit more of Oxford ..... Gary, Izzy (with Jingly on her head) and Sarah outside the famous Radcliffe Camera building. I don't know why it is called a camera. Proper cameras have suffixes, for example, Radcliffe Camera PT95

Pic.No.8 This is Izzy in the quadrangle of the Bodleian Library. Background info:"If you give me a smile I won't twat your Nintendo with a spade when we get home"

Pic.No.9 Blimey, a moustache and a delicate hand on hip? This deliciously camp fella in the courtyard of the Bodleian Library is the Earl of Pembroke. Apparently he was a Chancellor of the university in the 1600's which was around the time the library was built

Pic.No.10 This was a doorway from one part of the Bodleian Library to another. I have just discovered that there isn't much you can say much about doorways

Pic.No.11 After the Bodleian, we went to Christ Church College with the aim of doing a tour. But the queue was so long, that we gave up and I took this picture of part of the gardens instead. Here you can see black tulips (tres rare dahlink)

Pic.No.12 We decided that wandering around Oxford was thirsty work, so we paid a visit to the famous 13th century 'Turf Tavern' in order to partake in some amber nectar. Recent Oxford students who frequented the Turf Tavern are Bill Clinton, Bob Hawkes, Kylie Minogue and CS Lewis (guess which one I made up)

Pic.No.13 What could be better than a chilled lager on a sunshiney day? After all, you don't want to get too stressed on a bank holiday. And after a lazy day, what is better than going home to a .........

Pic.No.14 Bloody enormous roast dinner ..... cooked by my own fair hands and served up in the kitchen with the woodburner crackling in the background. Followed by ......

Pic.No.15 Watching a couple of DVDs in the living room. Gary and Sarah normally fall asleep by 9.30pm (because they are from up north, they aren't used to daylight) so they did well to keep their eyes open until 11.30pm. I am going to get a t-shirt made for Sarah with "I'm knackered' emblazoned over the front (that's her hiding behind the cushion)

Monday 7th May

All good things must come to an end. And after a big cooked breakfast, Gary and Sarah finally headed home. Because they are teachers, they had lots of homework to mark in readiness for work tomorrow. That's a rubbish part of the job, that is.

I packed them into their car at 11.30am, pointed out the exact direction they needed to head home, and waved goodbye as they haplessly went the opposite way. 

Which left me with a free afternoon .......... to do exactly as I pleased. 

Pic.No. This is me balancing a tub of table salt on my head

So dahlink, how have you spent the weekend and bank holiday? Have you got up to any shenanigans?