Shit shit shit shit shit. When those two get together, they make Hurricane Irene look like a light breeze. Their nicknames are Ronnie and Reggie (as in the Kray brothers) for chrissake.
I needed a plan, and bloody quickly - May was due to arrive at 10am. And there were no flies on Izzy; she had spotted that my expression resembled that of a wildebeest who had inadvertently stepped on the paw of a sleeping lion.
"What are we doing today?" she asked me.
"At the moment ...... it's a secret," I replied, shiftily.
"You aren't going to teach us to drive a Fork Lift Truck, or service the car are you?" she said with a sad expression on her face.
Dammit, the girl had blown my first two lines of defence out of the water.
"Nope, it's WAY better than that," I replied, breaking out into a bit of a
The situation was looking dire, especially as Ronnie and Reggie had already brought down the curtains in the dining room, but then I had a brainwave. I remembered an email that I had received a couple of weeks ago about the ulitmate gadget (and I lurvvve gadgets). It was a general invite asking me if I wanted to visit a particular tourist attraction in London. And that tourist attraction turned out to be a gadget on an epic scale ...... dah duh dahhhhhhhh (that was a drumroll) .................. a bloody warship! Yep, an actual World War 2 warship had been parked on the River Thames in London, and turned into a visitor attraction. It was called HMS Belfast (HMS stands for 'Her Majesty's Service').
I interrupted the girls as they were pulling all the pans out of the cupboard; "do you fancy going to see a warship?" I said.
They both looked at me, then at each other, before yelling, "YEAHHHHHH" at the top of their voices. They did that for a minute whilst jumping up and down, and then simultaneously stopped and asked, "what's a warship?"
"It is a bloody big boat with guns that can kill people," I replied.
"Really?" they said, their eyes widening, "the guns can really kill people?"
"Yep," I answered, at which they both resumed jumping up and down, and yelling "YEAHHHHHH."
I needed to act quickly because the HMS Belfast was in London (about an hour's drive from Oxford), so within five minutes, I was shoe-horning two flailing kids into the back of the car.
The drive to London was bloody marvellous, with Ronnie and Reggie (R & R) entertaining themselves with games like a 'who could scream the loudest', and 'who could stick their leg the furthest out of the window'. My personal favourite was a 'who could play the drum the fastest'. Yep, they had had the foresight to bring a drum with them, unbeknownst to me.
So that was me, in my jalopy, spluttering my way down the M40 with legs hanging out of the back windows. I must have been bad in a previous life.
Anyway, you will be pleased to hear that we made it to London, and we even found a parking space that cost less than £10 per hour.
And because I am kinder than Mother Theresa, but not as dead, I have got a whole load of cool pics for you ..........................
Pic.No.1 After parking the car, I decided to take Ronnie and Reggie for lunch before visiting the warship - Popcorn Chicken anyone? Bring on KFC ...... we are classy ladies you know
Pic.No.2 We had to walk down the banks of the River Thames to get to HMS Belfast. Ronnie and Reggie were excitedly taking in all the attractions on the way ............................
Pic.No.3 .................. and they found a fountain. And decided to run into it
Pic.No.4. This was a funny boat thing that was moored on the Thames
Pic.No.5 We passed the Hays Galleria which is also on the banks of the Thames. It is now a leisure and shopping area with amazing architecture because it used to be an old industrial building. That woman on the left has got a weird nose.
Pic.No.6 Finally, we caught a glimpse of our destination ....... HMS Belfast
Pic.No.7 Woo hoo! Look at that sucker for a gadget
Pic.No.8 Our admission ticket - things were starting to get exciting as we boarded the warship
Pic.No.9 Ronnie and Reggie were unsuprisingly impressed by the size of the guns 'that could kill people'
Pic.No.10 After boarding the warship, I noticed that in the background there was a great view of the famous 'Tower Bridge' ........ but we weren't there to see bridges schmidges .... no, we were there to see a warship ........ so we made our way inside .............
Pic.No.11 The first that we saw upon entering the ship was a bloody great torpedo. Marvellous!
Pic.No.12 This is what all the corridors in the ship looked like - higgledy piggledy walkways built around the ship's functionality
Pic.No.13 The ship had a full machine shop (with lathes, drills, milling machines and reamers), so that they could make any item of equipment that was needed. I loved that (but not in a sexual way) because I am an engineer
Pic.No.14 Ronnie and Reggie make their way down into the engine room of HMS Belfast through one of the tiny passageways
Pic.No.15 Bloody nora. This was only one set of many dials used to control the engine
Once we had done the 'business' side of things (id est, the engine) we moved onto to the rest of the ship. And crikey o'reilly, it was like a town on water. It had everything on board ...... look ......
Pic.No.16 This was the Postmaster. Obviously he was a dummy, but if he was real, he would be responsible for incoming and outgoing letters and parcels
Pic.No.17 This is the ship's shop - sailors could buy chocolate and Coke and Bovril (which was a bit random)
Pic.No.18 There was even a chapel, but we couldn't go inside because it was blocked off
Pic.No.19 And then we were off to the kitchens, where Izzy took this picture of me with my new plastic beau
Pic.No.20 This is the vegetable store. The HMS Belfast would often go on missions that lasted for months so they needed to be able to store fresh vegetables for all the sailors. I'm not quite sure why they would want a cat crapping everywhere
Pic.No.21 This is the 'food preparation area'. It looks like the poor bastard on the right has had to peel 60 onions. I felt sorry for him even though he wasn't real
Pic.No.22 Now we get down to business. The ship often had a crew of 950 sailors, all of whom needed feeding. Their food was cooked in the huge vats shown above
Pic.No.23 The HMS Belfast even had it's own bakery to make fresh bread ........ but the warship wasn't just amazing because of that ...................
Pic.No.24 There was an onboard Dentist ...............
Pic.No.25 ...........as well as onboard Surgeons ...........................
Pic.No.26 ................. and an onboard hospital. Yep, when I say it was like a mini-town, it really was
Pic.No.27 This was a cabin that the Officers lived in. It looks like the chap in the yellow jumper is holding what looks like a mini-dildo. I suppose when you are away from home for a long time ...... Anyway, the normal sailors all slept in hammocks around the engine room. But I forgot to get pictures ..... doh
Pic.No.28 The ship's prison cell. It looks like the powers that be weren't impressed with yellow-jumper's mini-dildo antics
Pic.No.29 Here we have the ship's bridge. Ronnie (aka May) took charge of the Captain's seat. They appeared to have a built-in Karaoke machine to keep the sailors entertained
Pic.No.30 I had no idea what this machine did, but it looked bloody amazing and I REALLY wanted to play with it. Look at all those handles .........................
Pic.No.31 The gyro-compass room. Those black things are used for steering the ship and aligning it's guns and radars ...... how cool?
Pic.No.32 This room was next to the gyro-compass room and is called the 'forward steering position'. Basically the bloke in the middle was steering the ship using that wooden steering wheel
Pic.No.33 Ronnie and Reggie absolutely loved the HMS Belfast because it involved continually climbing up and down narrow ladders and staircases ...... it meant they could be proper explorers
Pic.No.34 After exploring the inside of the warship (and I could have taken at least another 100 other photos), we headed out onto the decks. R & R soon found the ships anchor
Pic.No.35 But the best bit was the guns ................. BOOM
Pic.No.36 ............. and the view of the Tower of London (those four pointy towers) - where the crown jewels are kept ...... and loads of people were beheaded in medieval times
Pic.No.37 The warship was positioned so that it's guns were pointing towards Westminster in London, where the government resides. It could be construed as ironic
Pic.No.38 A view of London from the HMS Belfast
Pic.No.39 Anti-aircraft guns - BOOM! (again)
Pic.No.40 R&R seemed particularly taken with this plastic sailor having a cigarette
Pic.No.41 A newly built skyscrapers dominates the skyline behind the HMS Belfast
Pic.No.42 The ship's bell. Apparently this has important historical significance
Pic.No.43 Ah, this plaque will explain the important historical significance then ............
But finally, it was time to end our vist to the HMS Belfast and head home. R & R protested in a vigorous fashion, but I stood my ground.
Pic.No.44 So R&R decided to have a quick dance on the rear deck before they finally disembarked the ship (moaning because they didn't want to leave)
Pic.No.45 As we walked back to the car, we spotted the new skyscraper that was being built next to the River Thames. It's enormous by English standards
Pic.No.46 And if you are a book lover, you might be interested in the the fact that we passed the house that John Keats used to live in
So dahlink, all in all, it was a fabulous day out. Mainly because it was one of those rare attractions that's interesting for kids and adults. And also because it was the biggest bloody gadget I have ever encountered.
For a whole two days afterwards, I wanted to join the Navy. But then I changed my mind because I didn't want to sleep in a hammock without my 300 threadcount sheets.
If you want to read about the HMS Belfast fighting in wars, you can do it by clicking here (opens in a new window).
What have you been up to over the weekend?
The gadget in picture 30 is Mark 1 Admiralty Fire Control Table. It is a mechanical computer used for aiming the cannons. It is basically a mechanical computer which takes in various variables (own speed, own bearing, target speed, target bearing, distance, aerial pressure, weather etc) and puts out the azimuth and elevation for the guns needed to hit the target.
ReplyDeleteWhy would the sailors rather have kitty litter at the vegetable store? Because they would not like rats and mice eating up and spoiling their stores. All RN ships had a ship's cat onboard to intercept the threat by four-legged vermin. Some bigger ships could have even two or three cats. If you checked the port bow mess, the kitty even had an own hammock where to sleep.
Blimey thanks for all that useful information. It sounds like you really know what you are talking about. Do you have any link to the Navy at all?
ReplyDelete_____