Monday, 24 February 2014

Ugh! A trip to Ikea - the Devil's spawn

Shopping is the devil's spawn. It's even worse than cleaning windows. Or hoovering the stairs. Or washing the cheese grater. Or washing the garlic press. Or weeding a flower-bed only to discover a hidden dog turd when it's too late. Man alive, that shit is worse than visiting a relative and realising that you have forgotten to pack any underwear. And then realising that you need to borrow some.

Oh crikey. That brings back memories. Yes. I've done that (the underwear thing). 

Last weekend in fact. 

I packed in haste, and forgot to shove in the essentials. As a result, I had to borrow two pairs of my cousin's skids to get me through the weekend. And let me elucidate; nothing feels as wrong as wearing other people's pants. It's worse than sitting on a toilet seat that is still warm from the previous incumbent. Or someone offering you the dregs of their coke bottle when you know full well that it is heftily diluted with their gob.

So, after donning my cousin's aforementioned skids, I needed to adopt a 'contact minimisation strategy': firstly, I loosened my belt to drop my kaks (that's slang for pants 'oop north') by 3cms, and then I subliminally adopted a John Wayne kind of gait in an attempt to prevent any gusset contact. It's not an experience that I want to repeat any-time soon. It's not that her underwear was objectionable in any way, it just that it was HER underwear.

Anyway, I digress. Enough of borrowed skids ....... let's get back to shopping. 

A "friend" convinced me that I needed to go to Ikea (with my Izzy and his daughter, L) to help choose the furniture for his daughter's recently redecorated bedroom.

After 15 seconds of arriving at the store, I was bored out of my head. It was full of room-sets, all containing hundreds of accessories that would need dusting if you bought them. 

I was losing the will to live. Desperately, I tried to seek a way out, but anyone who has been to Ikea will know that you have to tour the whole store before discovering the holy grail - the exit. Yep, I was trapped in the furniture maze of hell.

Grrr. So then I decided to make my own entertainment before I went mental. And what better entertainment can you get than mixing kids with accessories?

Pic.No.1 Izzy found this speech bubble. Guess which bit I Photo-shopped?

Pic.No.2 Blimey, I thought Ikea was a family-friendly shop. Down Rover!

Vid.No.1 Keeping ourself entertained whilst my "friend" browses accessories (8 seconds)

After a million years (or thereabouts), the whole experience thankfully ended, and I burst forth from the store blinking in the daylight and gasping for oxygen (after encountering biblical check-out queues that took 30 minutes to get through). But not before we had an Ikea hot-dog for £1.00 each - the stand of which is placed just after checkout.

Once free, my "friend" quickly realised that I might be displaying symptoms of PTSD, and asked what could be done to alleviate the situation.

"Pizza ........" I replied in an exhausted fashion, with half-closed eyes because my eyelids were all weak from the stress.

"I know a place called San Carlo in Banbury," he replied.

My weak eyelids instantly recovered. "Let's do it!" I hollered.

And within 20 minutes we were seated in what was one of the best Italian restaurants I have been to in a long time.

Pic.No.3 The chef even let the girls into the kitchen to cook their own rabbit-shaped pizzas but he burnt the ears because I was chatting to him about the horrors of Ikea

Oh yes, years of hard-core commando training (kind of) has taught me that ALL trauma can be quickly eliminated by simply serving a pizza / curry / Bolly (or any combination of). In fact, if you look at the contents of my fridge, that is pretty my how my filing system works ..... top shelf - pizza, middle shelf - curry, and bottom shelf - Bolly. It's a remarkably effective system, and you never end up throwing away any waste vegetable shit.

So dahlink, what have you been up to the last couple of weeks?

P.S. Next post will be about my holiday in Hampshire with FIVE girls! It was hair-tastic.


  1. did you know that my mother dries her underwear on my furnace vents when she comes to visit? and you think ikea is hell! ha

  2. Hi there - I think you need some rest time in Florida - Maybe?

  3. I could tell you about my holiday in Hungary with Five girls! It was hair-tasting too. My dentist was complaining for months afterwards how difficult it was to brush the fur off my teeth.

    Did you know that It is cheaper to rent 5 Romanian hookers than 4? I bet you do not know that interesting facts. I am thinking this to be some form of crazy EU law but it is enough for me never to vote UKIP again.

    Anyway I digress. You need a new boyfriend. That fella you are with now takes you to cheap spots like Ikea only to make sexual suggestions with furry toys. Worst animal joke since Copenhagen Zoo went live on the internet. Then he takes you to Pizza Hutt for more animal stuff. I think he likes it doggy style.

    Well I am looking forward to next posting

    Micky T

  4. Funnily enough, through inefficient packing, I had to borrow some skids at the weekend from my chummer too. Was as traumatised as you! x

  5. I always thought there were these places called shops that sold things called keks?

    Echoing the another comment, bedroom furniture for kids, helloooo?

    You'm losing it woman. Too much, or not enough bolly. Clearly.

    Was there pant sharing on the five girl holiday too? Ooerr missus.

  6. I have never been shopping at a IKEA and your review doesn't have me making plans to go over there anytime soon. Sounds brutal. Plus don't you have to assemble IKEA furniture? I am not inclined (translation: lazy) to build my furniture so I guess I am stuck going to store that charge exorbitant prices but bring the stuff to my door and haul it up 2 flights of stairs.

    Your kiddo is as darling as ever. She has a real talent for puppetry singing. Are there paying jobs that require that skill?

    The rabbit pizza is quite cute burnt ears and all.

  7. Hooray, comments are back for me - thought I was persona non grata for a while!

  8. IKEA~~~horror stories.....everyone has one or two or three.....yours are much more colourful, hon! Izzy looked liked she was having a grand time, YAY Izzy!!! We had an Ikea store here in our fair city back in the 90's....your visit just brought back memories of getting lost in the city of "STUFF" so much stuff that would break under anyone's arse pressure or tumble btw the sheets pressure...LOL! The place closed because there wasn't the population to keep her afloat, such is our existence here. I can handle it, if I need anything I'll go online. I needed a good snicker this morning, since I'm finally HOME from the hospital. many thanks for your support! Cheers! Ron

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