Saturday, 27 July 2013

I'm not as dead as you think

It's me hurrah! I'm like the Scarlet Pimpernel, except that I'm not a man and I don't wear a dodgy cape ..... or speak French ....... except for 's'il vous pla├«t puis-je emprunter votre ├ęchelles?'

Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead, despite Naughty George conspiring to guff me into an early grave.

[For the benefit of my readers across the pond, 'guff' is defined in the Urban Dictionary as: "A cloud of foul gas left hovering in the air after some bastard just farted".]

NG lies in his basket sweating all day surrounded by a yellow cloud and lazily circling flies. And to add insult to injury, the git crapped in one of my plant pots this morning. Then, when the sun came out, and my patio began swirling with eau-de-turd, for the life of me I couldn't work out where it was coming from because his bovril bullets were obscured by foliage.

To make matters worse, Izzy refused to eat her lunch outside because she said the smell made her chocolate Santa taste like "George Poo".

I eventually found the offending article and flung it into the field behind my house, only to later witness a flock of cows lying down in it. That's the only time I have felt sorry for cows. Normally they are the devil's spawn (opens in a new window) and I like to eat lots of McDonalds in order to try and reduce their numbers by subterfuge.

Pic.No.1 This is me in my garden with the flock of cows before they laid down in George's cack. I am certain that I saw a couple of them retch

Anyway, I digress. I figured that out of politeness, I should at least provide you with some reason why I have been AWOL for quite a while.

As you probably already know, my preference for whiling away the days is being hand-fed caviar by a porcupine whilst reclining on a chaise longue. But then I suddenly realised that was down to my last three thousand bottles of Bolly.

Pic.No.2 Bolly. A staple ingredient in day-to-day living

Drastic action was needed ...... action that didn't involve breaking a fingernail.

First of all I thought about getting a job. But then I remembered the last time that I had a job, my (American - master of bullshit bingo) boss used to say wanky things like, "we don't have 'problems', we have 'opportunities for improvement'." Then he used to come out with comments like; "we need more dialogue". About what, I have no idea to this day. I'm pretty good at issuing forth dialogue, but still need guidance when it comes to the specifics.

So, I discounted getting a job.

After much contemplation, it appeared as though my only option was to start a company of my own .....again.

So I did. I set up a company called Kohla.

And that dahlink, was why I disappeared for so long. This is my new website ..........


Pic.No.3 This is my new supersonic website with me on the front which is why I like it

I was going to launch later in the year, but a whole load of handy events gave me the opportunity to launch sooner.

I would have shouted 'HUZZAH SQUARED' at the early launch, if it didn't mean that I had to work really hard. Flippin' hek, I got a 0.5mm blister on my index finger.

Pic.No.4 Look! I managed to get a number-plate with my company name on it. And then my BFF told me that "nothing says 'wanker' more than a private plate". 

So dahlink, that is why I have been a bit absent. Actually, thinking about it .... 'pretty please' can you 'like' my Facebook page? This is my Facebook page (opens in a new window). All helps getting this venture off the ground.

Right, that is me done for the evening. I need some food. And after a quick audit of the kitchen area, it appears as though my evening meal will be banana and mustard on toast.

P.S. I am not sure when the next post will be, but please stick around darhlink x

22 comments:

  1. Best wishes with the new ad/venture! I hope it brings lots of enjoyment (and money) to you. I look forward to hearing more.

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  2. Congrats, my friend. It looks like a great product and I wish you every success. Hugs!

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  3. YOU'RE ALIVE!! Congrats on the new biz.... looks fab!

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  4. Hey now. I haven't been posting for shit myself. Glad to see you're doing well.

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  5. Woohoo!!!!! welcome back. You're excused. Really love this furniture. Wish it had been available a couple of months ago when I welcomed a second Grandson. Probably would have been a tad expensive to import it to Australia. Anyhow great to hear from you. Hi Izzy.

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  6. Good to have you back, and good luck with the new company.

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  7. Good luck Annie! Good to see you back in blogland too.

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  8. Mum in Meltdown28 July 2013 at 13:31

    Good to have you back actually, have been missing Naughty George updates!! Well done on your new venture it looks amazing- what made you choose furniture???? You should have just written a book about NG- you would make a fortune LOL :)

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  9. Congratulations on the new venture.....


    As you seem to do nothing half arsed I am sure it will be a success.

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  10. We thought you were dead in a ditch! Your 'flock' (and yes, they are flocking, aren't they?) of cows looks like they're about to do a can-can...Only you would live next to a field full of synchonrised cows. Good luck with your bizz!
    Broken Biro

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  11. Why is Izzy eating chocolate santas when it's almost August?

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  12. This is all lies. We know that you been dealing knocked off viagra to the doddery oldies of the Shire form the blacked out windows of your bitch pimpin' ride.

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  13. Glad to know I'm not the only slacker. Maybe its a disease we've contracted. To much real work to do and not time for bloggingitis. I don't know. I'm not a doctor for a reason. Anyway, I went over to like your Kohla FB page, and it looks like I already did it. I am even more spectacular than I even knew:) Glad to hear your doing well. Good look to you in your new venture. I know you will do splashingly well!!!!

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  14. I thought I knew it all about Porkypines.


    I had to re-read because I thought you meant hand-fed Porkypines. Hey! That's the ticket!
    Wow! What a business opportunity! Hand-fed Porkypines. You know like a Hand-fed Parrot.
    I gotta start lining up investors right away. Hey! this is your chance to get in on the ground floor.


    I'll become the "Porkypine King". Whoo hoo!

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  15. I do believe that you are out there consuming Bollinger!! I have been absent for a month with a crap internet problem - come back and what - NOTHING - charming!!!!!!!!!!!! Do hope Kohla is going bonkers. We still look forward to hearing from you and know that you will be in touch prior to Izzy's 21st. Fond wishes Sheridan. The weather is crazy here in Queensland 28 degrees in August - Still Winter for God's sake.

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  16. Your life is good. Just living is so fun and happy. The woman ended up just

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  17. A woman happy, make life fun and light version later dismissed.

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  18. OYYFA - Ahem!!!

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  19. Hey you, I am going to recommence the blog once things have calmed down with the new business – I haven’t got time to fart at the moment.


    Come and be my facebook friend in the meantime …… https://www.facebook.com/anne.dickens1 would be lovely to connect with you!

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  20. I like the article title, and how you put your words out. Impressive.

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  21. Good to have you back actually, have been missing Naughty George
    updates!! Well done on your new venture it looks amazing- what made you
    choose furniture

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