Monday, 13 May 2013

Who the hell is Harry Potter? Discuss ............

Greetings from shitty Oxford (it's raining). It's me here - the sporadic one.

I've named myself  'the sporadic one' because my blog posts are currently sporadicer than someone with Tourette's Syndrome shouting 'COCK'.

It's all down to the same old excuse - work. I worked so hard last week that I couldn't feel my face.

Anyway, enough of that work milarky; after putting in a good 6 hours of solid labour, I decided that it was time for some fun. And because I have got a military mind, I had already rung my friend Sarah to suss out things that a 7 year old might like doing ........... and with the results in, I decided to approach the rug-rat .........

"Izzy, do you want to do something fun?" I asked her. Which is a bit like asking Paris Hilton if she would like to drop her skids.

"YEH!" yelled Izzy (that kid needs a Swiss Finishing School).

"Bally good, because I have organised a treat for you," I said before adding; "and May and Guy are coming too." [May is one of Izzy's bessie mates, and May's Dad, Guy, is a chum from the village. AKA DJ Hyper].

"MAY'S COMING TOO?" screamed Izzy, so excited that she looked like she was going to vom up the chocolate Santa that she had eaten for dinner: "WHERE ARE WE GOING?"

Jeez, that girl's shouting is going to land me with an early Ear Trumpet.

"We are going to visit the film studios where they made the Harry Potter films," I replied with my fingers in my ears in order to minimise the damage.   

 "NO WAY! THAT'S THE BEST!" hollered Izzy. I was glad that she was pleased, even though I was a little perplexed, not having any idea of who Harry Potter was myself.

I felt triumphant like Napoleon Bonaparte, except that my arm wasn't chopped off ........ nor did I have an arrow in my eye ...... or whatever it was that happened to the clumsy git.

Soon the designated day arrived, and Guy and May turned up at the house in Guy's bling mobile (a Jaguar XF sport), to whisk me and Izzy to the Harry Potter film studios. I say 'whisk' but the journey was more of a fingernails embedded in the dashboard, and an intercontinental ballistic missile in the boot kind of experience.

Twenty-three minutes later and we had completed the 44 mile journey to our destination. My eyes were watering and my hair was all stuck out behind me in a horizontal fashion because I had pulled so much G. Relief washed over me, and I spilled out of the passenger door, kissed the car-park, and shouted, "I'm alive!" whilst simultaneously punching the air.

And because I am like Mother Theresa (except that I don't have hair growing out of my ears), I have got some photographs for you .......................

Pic.No.1 We've arrived! This is the location where all the Harry Potter films were made. Even though I didn't have a scooby who this Harry Potter chap was

Pic.No.2 Here is Izzy and her chum May. I forgot to mention that Izzy broke her leg skiing in Austria, so she had to be pushed round in a bloody wheelchair. But then I realised that it was a good thing because we were automatically ushered to the front of every queue. Kerching!

Pic.No.3 This was the Great Hall where this Harry Potter chap ate his meals. It looks real until you look at the roof, then you can tell that it's a set (but not one where badgers live)

Pic.No.4 This is still in the Great Hall, and I was a little perturbed by all the people with no faces

Pic.No.5 This is the set where Harry Potter slept

Pic.No.6 Dorm room? The people have gone from having no faces to having no heads. On the plus side, at least people won't judge them by their looks

Pic.No.7 Look! A comedy dog in the wallpaper. And that stone staircase wasn't stone. It was made of egg boxes or something similar. I can't quite remember

Pic.No.8 May had a fight with an ugly bloke in a dress. He had a machete and she had an orange stick. I still had my money on May

Pic.No.9 More people with no heads standing in a wobbly cottage set. I have just thought of another advantage; they won't have to clean their ears out

Pic.No.10 This was cool - it was a Set that used perspective to make it look like it was a full sized corridor, but in reality it only went back about three feet and was only four feet tall

Pic.No.11 A bloody big clock thing. Is it me, or is that bloke in front posing at a provocative angle?

Pic.No.12 I had a face-off with this guy and I won

Pic.No.13 Here we have May and Raspberry Ripple (aka Sicknote, aka Izzy), mesmerised by the Harry Potter Sets

Pic.No.14 After seeing all the indoor sets, the tour took us to the outside bits. I thought that I had accidentally wondered onto the set of Brookside, but apparently this is Privet Drive, where Harry Potter lived. Even better, there was a comedy leg kicking a an unsuspecting woman in the vag (see left of the picture)

Pic.No.15 Whilst we were touring the outside Sets, Guy discovered a bar that served beer. But he ended up gutted because he accidentally ordered a non-alocholic beer whilst I had the real thing. He complained bitterly to staff and they swapped it for him ........

Pic.No.16 This is me - Hurrah! With my new short red hair and a small child doing a comedy walk in the background

Pic.No.17 Here we have a triple decker bus. And a man sat on a motorbike looking like he is guffing in the general direction of a small child

Pic.No.18 Old house? I really should have done some revision about this Harry Potter bloke before embarking upon the tour

Pic.No.19 After exploring the outside Sets, we went into the 'Special Effects' exhibition. It looks like they have featured several of my ex-colleagues

Pic.No.20 I love dead animals I do. Imagine my excitement when I stumbled across a number of hydraulically-driven deceased mammals ... I LOVE the beatboxing dead chick

Pic.No.21 RARRRR! I found this comedy stuffed fox thing in the 'Special Effects' department. It had the same expression that people have when they come round to my house for dinner

Pic.No.22 Just to clear up any confusion ..... I am the one on the left

Pic.No.23 All the sets were mocked up in paper before they were built ......... I'm glad that wasn't my job

Pic.No.24 This is Guy posing in front of a whole street that was mocked up in the studios. If you look carefully, there appears to be a Freisian cow trying to scale the fence in the background

Pic.No.25 "The Sale of Unicorn Blood is Forbidden" sign. If I found a unicorn, I would make a bacon and unicorn butty with brown sauce and a fried egg .... and maybe a processed cheese square

Pic.No.26 "Puking Pastilles". I just liked him because he was vomming and I could eat what he vommed out [note to self ... should I divulge this in public?]

Pic.No.27 This was a mock-up of the Harry Potter castle. It was WAY bigger than it looks in this photo and it was used to film all the 'outside the castle' shots. The lighting on this exhibit kept changing so that you could see it in daylight and at night

Pic.No.28 This was the Harry Potter castle in twilight. It's obviously haunted because there are orbs up at the top

Pic.No.29 This was the Harry Potter castle at night-time

Pic.No.30 Ok, I really thought that the construction of this bridge was cool ...... only because I am an engineer and my grot-mag of choice is 'Engineering Weekly' ...... now published with added bridges and dams

Pic.No.31 Hurrah! It's me! I am standing by the Harry Potter castle so that you can get some idea of the scale. It was more enormous than a spitting camel. And my hair looks really red. Jane dyed my hair red, she did

Pic.No.32 At the end of the tour, we went through some kind of apothecary. Guy eased the load a bit by pushing Izzy along in her wheelchair

All in all, it was a top day out. But rather expensive for the price. It cost £100 for all four of us to do the tour, which equated to 24 bottles of wine or four bottles of Bolly dahlink. I felt cheated. 

But hey, the journey back to Oxford was just as memorable as the inbound journey, due to Guy's natural exuberance behind the wheel. I covered my eyes and just shouted; "BLOODY NORA!" the whole way back as he weaved his way in and out of the traffic at 100mph.

And this beautiful scene was only punctuated by Izzy and May shouting "STOP SWEARING!" back at me. 

It was like participating in 'Apocalypse Now'.

Pic.No.33 After the hair-raising action of being a passenger in a car being driven by a mad-man, it was with great relief that I arrived back home ......... alive ................and then spotted this rainbow at the bottom of my garden

Apparently, there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, but when I went to dig it up, there was just a water-treatment plant at the end ........ most disappointing.

Never mind ....... more to come dahlink.


  1. Brilliant tour, thanks. I love the way your mind works....( bacon and unicorn butty for example!) Hope Izzy will be mobile again soon.

  2. Even though I am not a Harry Potter fan, the tour looks like a lot of fun. Oh, and I would definitely pay to ride in the Jaguar XF Sport at 100 mph! That sounds like a blast.

    When is Izzy expected to be up-and-around again?

    By the way, I made Brahm wave as we were en route to LHR on Saturday. Hopefully you saw us!

  3. I love the way you write, so entertaining!

  4. LMAO you said guffing

  5. I've never seen the Potter, but I'm aware of his work.
    A further twenty minutes up the road (maybe five, at the speed your chauffeur was driving) and you could have popped into my gaffe for a cuppa.
    I'm loving the red hair, BTW.

  6. That looks like fun. I loved the first movie. The scenes looked magical...but of course, that dampened the excitement of all the others.

    Poor Izzy. When does that cast come off?

    23 minutes and 44 miles...congrats on living through the drive to Harry Potters set.

  7. Bodaciousboomer17 May 2013 at 01:51

    That looks like it was good fun. Still the whole faceless/headless thing I would not have cared for. They couldn't have made mannequins that looked like the actors?

  8. This red hair malarkey is because you secretly want to be Welsh isn't it?

    It's the first stage in your Welshness, I bet you've being stomping around the shire with daffs in your hair and a leek stuffed down ewer (Welsh for 'your') decolletage belting out 'Delilah' and 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

    It's no good, we won't let you in.

  9. You always do such fun things with Izzy. I want to come live with you.

  10. The article is highly entertaining, I like it

  11. Sheridan Skutenko29 June 2013 at 09:18

    Well here we go again- no posts for over month. Consider your devoted readers.
    By the way, how lucky is Izzy to be having a chocolate Santa for dinner mid May!!!!!
    Hoping you are not working so hard that you cannot feel your fingers!!!
    Love your posts - really.
    Come on!!!! Sheridan

  12. Awww thanks for coming by. There is a really good reason why I haven't posted for ages and I promise I'll let you know really soon. If its any consolation, I love blogging ;-)

  13. *sigh*


  14. It's great. I also want to come here once to visit for all things Harry Potter's life. Really attractive, huh. Especially those models create special effects. It was so great. I really like them

  15. The discussion and the opinions given, you can use them proud and look more realistic over what is shown.

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