Ok, Clare and I didn't want to go back to the Space Center so soon after our initial visit last year, so instead, we picked something that we were sure would stop Masher whining. We decided to go to ..... dah duh dahhhhh [that was a drum roll] ............... a museum called 'Ripley's Believe it or Not'.
But before you roll your eyes and sigh, "please, anything but a bloody musuem." This wasn't your archetypal UK museuem - dusty, dark and displaying artefects that Great Britain nicked from other countries during our colonial period and have refused to give back.
No sirree, the Ripley's museum was an Odditorium. Basically, some bloke called Robert Ripley rose to fame in America as a cartoonist in the early half of the 20th century. He then used the proceeds to travel around the world and collect 'weird shit'.
And that was the plan for the day.
Pic.No.1 We started the day off with breakfast by the pool. Clare made me a lush breakfast burrito with turkey sausage scrambled egg and cheese. I added jalapeno sauce to make it extra sick
Pic.No.2 Then we jumped into the car and headed for downtown Orlando which is where the 'Ripley's Believe it or Not' museum was located. I don't particularly like Orlando - all the pie-eating, tattooed British tourists congregate there, because it is the holiday equivalent of watching TV - you just get force fed manufactured entertainment (Clare called me a toff)
Pic.No.3 Anyway, back to Ripley's. The building was pretty cool, I have to admit. Half of it appeared to have sunken into the ground, but the weird thing was that when you got inside, all the rooms were square bar one
Pic.No.4 Me and some nude baby hit it off outside the front door
And so dahlink ..... here is your tour of Ripley's Odditorium ....... bear in mind that there is no theme. Robert Ripley literally just collected every piece of shit that he stumbled across on his travels ...... enjoy.
Pic.No.5 This was a tribal mask, but inside the mouth was a hologram of a jewell that you could see, but not touch
Pic.No.6 See that tall, skinny dude in the centre of the picture? That was actually an African coffin ...... see details below
Pic.No.7 How about that for recycling? The Africans could teach us a thing or two. I wonder if they were pissed with Robert after he nicked their coffin?
Pic.No.8 This was a human skull that had been decorated and then used as an African trophy. If it was my head that had been used, I would have been quite angry
Pic.No.9 Crikey, you would not believe what some African tribes did to appease the gods. The Mandan O-Kee-Pa torture rite was a festival held each summer to placate the water gods. They were strung up by their nips until their flesh tore and they fell. And then they had a finger chopped off. You wouldn't get that in Oxford
Pic.No.10 Awww, look ..... it's a cute two-headed cow. And they preserved the skeleton for us to look at
Pic.No.11 This was cool - see that big box on the right hand side of the picture? That was a coffin and it's design inspired the saying 'saved by the bell' (explanation below)
Pic.No.12 Ugh, how freaky is the thought of being buried alive? The only benefit is that you get a lie-in
Pic.No.13 It's me. I shouldn't have scoffed that last waffer-thin mint
Pic.No.14 The Americans are very friendly people
Pic.No.15 At some point, a bloke randomly stuck a load of instruments to a VW Beetle. No idea why, but Ripley collected it
Pic.No.16 Clare made me go on the 'Throne of Passion'. It cost 50c and told me that I was exciting .... excellent ...... now who to try it out on?!
Pic.No.17 Blimey, this shark had a bigger mush than Clare!
Pic.No.18 This was the dinosaur section. It didn't photograph too well because it was so dark. But you can see a pair of T-Rex gnashers to the right hand side of the picture
Pic.No.19 This was the torture section (it too, was dark inside). Apparently, medeival England and Germay were masters at torturing people using things like the Iron Maiden pictured above. Basically the prisoner would be told to stand inside it, and then when the door closed, spikes would pierce key organs - like the eyes, throat and liver. Job done (if torture is your thang)
Pic.No.20 A random sign about Florida being the lightening capital of the world. I can believe it though - I always see fab thunder storms when I visit
Pic.No.21 The orientation in this picture is all weird. It looks like there is a blue floor with loads of bed-pans attached, but that is actually a wall on my left. What kind of sick person collects bed pans and then sticks them on a wall?
Pic.No.22 This is Clare standing next to a bit of the Berlin Wall. It's Cold War-tastic. The graffitti, roughly translated (using my own form of German), means .... "I love integration." But I am not that good at German so 'misch' could also mean dogging as far as I know
Pic.No.23 This is a Kayan lady hailing from the border between Thailand and Burma. These women are called 'Giraffe women' because they apply rings to their neck to make it look longer. In fact, the rings are simply depressing their clavicle and ribs to make their neck appear elongated over time. This procedure generally starts at the age of 5 FIVE!!!! WTF?
Pic.No.24 I didn't believe that 5 year old kids had neck rings put on them .... until I did a bit of research .......... It's true. Crikey O'Reilly
Pic.No.25 In the meantime, Clare norks were lunged at by the 'Lizard Man'
Pic.No.26 This is me standing next to the world's tallest man, Robert Wadlow
Pic.No.27 And then just down the corridor was a miniature mock-up of the Terracotta Army .... which was pretty much the end of our visit to Ripley's. There were tons of other stuff to see, so you will just have to pay a visit yourself dahlink
Pic.No.28 This was me posing into my own camera outside the museum
Pic.No.29 After being museumed-out, Clare and I decided to have lunch and then embark upon some retail therapy. She drove us to the premier Orlando shopping mall. Nice work dahlink!
Pic.No.30 It was bloody lovely inside ............. all nice and cool .... aaaah!
Pic.No.31 And because we were 'Hank Marvin', Clare and I headed to a restaurant called the 'Cheesecake Factory' for lunch
Pic.No.32 They served some amazing spicy cheesy chicken dippers ...... RARR ... sex on a plate. But unfortunately the service was rubbish, so we didn't tip, and the waiter looked at us with properly evil eyes (cheeky bastard)
Pic.No.33 After lunch, Clare and I decided to partake in a spot of clothes shopping. But after ten minutes, I suddenly remembered that I hated shopping and asked if we could go home (but not before I procured myself an orange and pink t-shirt)
Anyway, enough of today. I am currently looking for more fab places to visit - do you have a recommendation for me? It can be anywhere in the world and I would like to hear about why it is fab! Chars Dahlink!! x