Friday, 15 April 2011

Sacre Bleu - I got caught spanking dog food in a sex spot

Today wasn't a good day, and before I start, I know what you are thinking .......

'What the blazes are you doing photographing Naughty George's dog food in the garden?' I hear you holler; 'have you gone all weirdy?'

Pic.No.1 Naughty George's dog food in the garden

Before you start worrying that I am going to start shuffling instead of walking, develop a facial tic, and inexplicably allow my personal hygiene go to pot, please let me explain (and it's a good 'un).

I got up at the crack of dawn (9am) this morning because I had tons of 'stuff' to do before going on holiday to Skegness next week. As I wondered bleary-eyed into the kitchen, I noticed that Naughty George's food bowl was empty.

'Greedy bastard', I thought to myself as I went to the pantry to get him some more food. As I picked up the bag of 'Bakers Complete', I thought I heard a scuffling noise. I paused and listened, but all was silent. I shrugged it off and walked back to Naughty George's dog bowl.

I opened the top of the bag ready to pour out his food and it was then that I caught a glimpse of a sudden movement inside the bag, complemented by a high-pitched squeaking.

"AAAAH!" I shouted, literally flinging the bag to the floor and violently recoiling.

I composed myself and started edging back towards the bag of dog food. Eventually I plucked up the courage to look in the bag and guess what I bloody found?

Pic.No.2 Mumtaz (my resident field mouse) and his chum were trapped in Naughty George's bag of dog food

Bloody typical. As if a busy day ahead wasn't enough, I now had two random rodents that needed disposing of. And a hungry dog (yes, I know what you are thinking, but I'm not like that).

I sat down at my laptop and typed 'humane ways to get rid of mice' into Google.

The first result that came up was this: "Wanna get rid of mice? For those of you who care about that humane bullshit, when my mice falls for the trap I'm gonna set the little f***er on fire and watch him die. Posted by: Rob | Nov 17, 2005 12:16:33 AM"

Blimey, who's betting that Rob turned into a serial killer?

After browsing a few more 'humane' solutions that weren't actually that humane, I finally found one that I liked, and it was remarkably simple; "once you have caught the mouse humanely, set the fella loose at least a mile away from your abode."

So I formulated a plan, which involved me putting on my wellington boots and loading the bag of dog food (with the mouses still inside) into the car.

Pic.No.3 This is a picture of my wellington boots. Naughty George thought he was going for a walk which is why he is stood in front of me. But there was no way he was coming because he would try and kill Mumtaz

My destination was a small, desolate mud-track called 'Polecat Lane' which was at the other end of the village. Polecat Lane only exists because at the end of it, there's a small pumping station that provides the residents of Forest Hill with fresh water. And every couple of months or so, a Water Engineer drives down the track to check that the pumping station is working ok, but other than that, Polecat Lane is generally deserted (apart from teenagers who go there to shag). 

It was the perfect place for Mumtaz and his chum to start a new life.

Pic.No.4 This is Polecat Lane. The track eventually peters out once you have arrived at the water pumping station (out of shot)

Pic.No.5 The petered-out end of the mud-track seemed the perfect place to release Mumtaz and chum into the wild

I hunkered down and gently turned the bag of dog food on its side so that the open top was lying on the ground. Nothing happened so I started tapping on the bottom of the bag to encourage the mouses to leave. All the while, I had my camera focused on the bag opening with the intention of getting an action shot of Mumtaz's bid for freedom.

Pic.No.6 And then it happened! "Oh YES!" I shouted with joy as Mumtaz made a break for it

I was so totally engrossed the whole time, that I hadn't noticed a Water Engineer's van pull up behind me (yep in the middle of nowhere - how unlucky?)

The Engineer wound down his window, cleared his throat, and barked "excuse me", causing me to fall over backwards in shock.

The reality of the situation quickly hit me: There I was, lying on my back, in a well known desolate sex spot, after spanking a bag of dog food, taking pictures, and shouting 'OH YES!'

I picked myself up from the ground and tried to smile brightly at the Engineer whilst my cheeks burned red. This was not looking good.

He looked at me blankly as I tried to stutter an explanation, "I found mouses in my dog food!" I said before realising that it looked pretty improbable in the absence of a dog.  

"Each to their own," he said sagely before manoeuvring his van around me and into the water pumping station. He had one of those faces (fat lips and fish eyes) that drew conclusions and didn't want explanations.

And so my dear, talk about a bummer start to my day. And by the time it all happened, it wasn't even 10am.

Don't you just hate days that start like that?

So, have you ever had a particularly bad morning or been grossly misunderstood?


  1. Laying on your back? You're doing it all wrong.

    Lay on your front, propping yourself up on your elbows. Spread your legs apart slightly (for stability), take a breath, hold it and then gently squeeze the shutter button.

  2. Ha ha you make me laugh.. at least you actually buy food for George these days instead of just seeing what is left in the cupboards!

  3. That made me laugh out loud!!!! The vision in my head of your early morning mousecapade will stay with me for quite some time X

  4. Oh, my friend -- you are the funniest damn broad ever. I so love you and want to hang out with you one day. I can't believe you saw the mice in the bag and grabbed your camera. You are so truly and beautifully demented. Did I say I love you? Well, I can't say it enough.

    Here's a mouse story of mine. As you can see, I reacted just a bit differently:

  5. I used to hate mice. Then somehow this year I started thinking they are kinda cute. But I still kill 'em if I can. Then Six and bury 'em in the garden.

    We made a headstone out of a big piece of pumice for one very special mouse. We painted on it: "Here lies Mouse." And we had a mouse funeral. Six cried.

  6. What do you mean a BAD day? You just saved the lives of two little mice!! How sweet was that! A true Buddhist you are, Annie!
    I am NOT a morning person! Never was and probably never will be. I want it to be as quiet as possible till at least 11 A.M. Was kind of difficult to achieve this when I worked! lol

    Great post Annie.

  7. lmao - O...M...G We are so definitely sisters! "I got up at the crack of dawn (9am) this morning" Proof! Right there!!

    I have to say though, that the lane to the pumping station is awesome! How pretty would that picture be in the fall when the leaves start to turn colors?

    As for the whole spanking the dog food really need to find a sex shop soon and buy yourself some toys, because you are truly starting to worry me that you are getting kinky outside with a dog food bag! *snort* However, you might be able to start a splinter group of people who want to shag dog food bags outdoors. Find one of those dogging parties and introduce the theory. Could be the basis for that splinter group you are always looking to create! =)

    xoxo Muwah! Wonderful weekend to you and Iz sweetie!!

  8. Hello:
    What a ghastly experience and one which would have absolutely defeated us. In the days of our cats it was the bringing of live, though stunned, mice into the house which became a perennial nightmare. We miss the cats, both dead now, but not their offerings!

    Enjoy your holiday in Skegness.

  9. This is turning out to be a remarkably good day - first off trotted round the garden in the SUN! with my cuppa. Then you made me spit my tea at the laptop while reading your post (laughter in the morning causes this I find) Laptop could do with a good clean.

  10. You are a woman after my heart! I don't have a mouse story... yet. But I do have a squirrel story:

  11. You are a woman after my heart! I don't have a mouse story... yet. But I do have a squirrel story:

  12. If you'd brought NG with you the water engineer might have drawn an even uglier conclusion.

  13. It may have been a bad start to your day but it sure made for a chuckle..ok, full out laughter, to start mine!

  14. aww and there was me thinking it could be the beginning of a big romance... 'so how did the two of you meet ?' 'Well when I first saw Anne she was kicking the S**t out of a bag of dog food to release two bad mice.... '

    I'm thinking your mousey + friend = nest & babies ?!! well it is spring.

  15. This is my all time favourite of your posts. So funny! And okay not an easy day for you, but it made me laugh out loud, and really which is more important there?

    Love love Naughty George, glad he belongs to you!

  16. I've been giving this some thought...( while selling raffle tickets on the village green ) I think we need to see the story through.

    'The Mice - what happened next- THEIR STORY'
    (after Anne so cruelly evicted them from their lovely home )

    followed by the sequil,
    'Revenge of The Mice'... then, Son of the mice....etc etc

  17. Didn't I mention to mention to you after you found your first rodent guest that if you did nothing about him that he's being his friends?

    Be prepared. His relatives may be there as well.

  18. My dog loves that food. What I love about this dog food is that it contains ingredients  that's beneficial to my dogs.

    dog boarding long island


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