Yep, you read right - no bloody internet access! I nearly swooned when I found out. It was like being a caveman ..... except that I favoured Prada over pelt ...... and I bought my food from the supermarket rather than clubbing it to death ...... and I drove a car instead of riding everywhere on a zebra (or whatever cavemen used to get from one place to another).
'Why are you banging on about cavemen?' I hear you cry. Ah. Good point, well made. I seem to have digressed from the task in hand. Today's post is about my New Year's Eve, but I felt duty bound to come up with some excuse about why I was writing it on the 8th instead of the 1st of January. Hope that explains the cavemen.
'So what did you get up to on New Year's Eve?' I hear you cry again. Ah, I sense some rankleness rising, so I shall proceed without further ado.
I had arranged to spend New Year's Eve with family. My two cousin's and their families to be precise. So me, daughter Izzy, and mutt Naughty George headed to Loughborough on New Year's Eve, which is where my cousin Jane, and her bloke Martin live.
The arrangements for this New Year differed from the usual - instead of quaffing Bollinger and tequila chasers, hitting the nightclubs and waking up on a park bench in the early hours of the morning because we couldn't get a taxi - we'd decided to be civilised. And there was good reason; my cousin Jane was 37 weeks pregnant, and although not drinking alcohol wouldn't deter her from doing a knee-slide to the 'Summer of '69', she thought that clubbing wasn't suitably demure enough for someone due to give birth in two weeks.
Fair play I suppose. Hence the family party at her house; it was like being properly grown-up. And I even got some photos for you to look at.
Pic.No.1. My lovely cousin, Jane. She is up the duff
Pic.No.2. Sean (Russ and Katerina's son) and Izzy. Before the night started, everyone handed out presents. It was cool. I got a vintage bear and hand carved soap
Pic.No.3. Martin (left) and Jane put on a huge spread for us, and I ate all the pies so that you could sing 'you fat bastard'
Pic.No.4. 'Hands up, who's farted?' Katerina (left) and Jane
Pic.No.5. This is my other cousin, Russ. He won't be happy that I got a picture of him with a party hat on
So whilst all the adults were partaking in wine and nibbles and being generally raucous, I suddenly noticed that Sean and Izzy had disappeared.
"Erm, the kids have gone missing," I pointed out, "shall I look for them, or just go for a top-up of this fine Chardonnay?"
"I suppose we had better check they are ok," said Katerina. She's a really good mother.
And so begrudingly I went on a kid hunt, only to find them on the third storey of the house, bouncing manically on a bed.
Pic.No.6 Sean had the decency to try and look like he wasn't do anything naughty (he's gonna be a politician that one), but Izzy just kept on bouncing like something feral and a bit mental. Aww, that's my family
I surveyed the situation and made an executive decision. The kids were out of the adults' way and enjoying themselves. That meant that we could carry on indulging in a few snifters without interruption. Marvellous decision, me (mentally patting myself on the back). Except for the fact that when I got back downstairs I found this.......
Pic.No.7. Naughty George woofing vacuously at everyone for no reason and looking a bit rabid. What a git. He couldn't even be bothered to stand up to annoy everyone
Pic.No.8 It's me with my liquid tonic. After three glasses, Naughty George didn't seem quite so annoying and my left eye went blurry
Anyway, you will be pleased to hear that the whole evening was a bloody good laugh dahlink, with the kids eventually falling asleep where they stood, and the adults continuing on into the night.
As it got towards midnight, Jane turned to me and asked; "what are your New Year's resolutions?"
"Well normally I try and pick up an extra vice, but I am starting to run seriously low on available options," I replied.
"Crikey yes," Jane nodded sympathetically, "so what are you going to do instead?"
"I am thinking of something radical, like getting a job," I replied.
"Are you sure you should be doing something so extreme?" she asked with concern in her voice.
"Yep, I am going to set up another business in the new year," I said with conviction mixed with bluster.
"Cool," said Jane approvingly.
And then as midnight hit, we turned on the TV to watch the spectacular fireworks over London.
I must be reaching a certain age, because I found it infinitely more enjoyable spending New Year's Eve with family rather than clubbing. Blimey, soon I will be warming my slippers beside the fire, smelling of wee, and smoking a pipe.
So my lovelies..... pray do tell...... what are your New Year's resolutions?