"Aw noooooo Mum, I don't want to learn Newton's laws of motion," she whines.
"Ok, howsabout we have a bash at translating the Dead Sea Scrolls then?" I suggest.
"I want to watch a Hello Kitty DVD," she cries like a heathen, ignoring my attempts to engage her in something interesting.
Kids these days eh? All they seem to do is wear hoodies, hang around on street corners and watch Hello Kitty DVDs. On the other hand, if a Hello Kitty DVD is effective in keeping her entertained, I might be onto something. I have just calculated that if each DVD lasts 60 minutes, I could buy her 112 of them and hey presto! She would be entertained solidly for two weeks (my calculation works on the assumption that she is awake for 8 hours a day).
Anyway, I digress. Back to Izzy's last day of school. For some reason on the last day, they cancel all the school buses and ask everyone to pick up their nippers at 1.20pm. The resulting congestion at the school was pretty bad (the school is in a small village where the only access is down a steep, single-track country lane), and to make matters worse, there was a freak dump of snow an hour before school was out. Not only that, the snow was quickly compacted due to the extra volume of traffic.
It was like bloody Armageddon. Cars were abandoned, some were sliding sideways down the road, there were parents lobbing their little 'uns into hedgerows to avoid being squashed, people falling over all over the place, and to top it off, the heel fell off my boot so I ended up limping like the Elephant Man. All I needed to complete the look was a sack on my head, and to suck in before uttering each sentence.
Steve and I managed to retrieve Izzy and her chum who was coming on a playdate, and on the long walk back up the hill to the car, we bumped into Guy, the father of Izzy's best friend.
"Fancy celebrating the end of term by taking them to the pub?" he suggested.
"Top idea," we concurred, and after finally making it to the car, we drove to the White Horse Inn, in Forest Hill.
As Guy, Steve and I tucked into our food, the three sprogs went into overdrive, fuelled by the excitement of leaving school for the holidays.
Pic.No.1 Guy (left aka DJ Hyper) and Steve look on wearily as the sprogs run amok scrapping, biting and baying like coyotes
"Do you remember a time before you had kids?" I asked, "A time when you would sit in a restaurant shaking your head disparagingly at kids who were running round?"
Guy nodded with resignation as a Quaver thrown by Izzy bounced unnoticed off his head.
Then suddenly, I had an idea. I shouted to Izzy and her two friends; "Hey, do you guys want to watch the movie 'Elf' on my iPhone?"
"YEEEEEESSSSS!" they screamed, and in less than a minute, they were in a corner, huddled over my iPhone. No flies on me. My nickname should be 'kid whisperer'.
Pic.No.2. That is me. I am standing next to the fire in the White Horse Inn after kid whispering
And so, with the little dahlinks entertained, we were able to finish our meal in peace. Oh and so that you can appreciate how rubbish the UK is at dealing with snow, I thought I would take a couple of pictures showing the light dusting that caused chaos at the school.
Pic.No.3. Snow in my back garden. It's that pathetic that there isn't even enough to make a snowball
Pic.No.4. Snow on the grave of the dead bloke buried in my back garden. Naughty George subsequently and irreverently pissed on it and made the snow go yellow on the right hand side
Let the Christmas holidays commence! What are you up to over Christmas then?
Anne Dickens | The day after yesterday