Botanic Verses

As you've probably noticed, I have been a bit tardy with my blogging this month. It's not because I am lazy (well actually a bit of it is), it's because I have been inundated with visitors. As soon as the schools are out for the summer holidays, millions of parents (and non-parents for that matter) throughout England are suddenly faced with a six week stretch that they have to fill with .... something.

After a few days of fannying around trying to keep themselves entertained, they hit a wall. And that's when it happens. A light bulb goes on in their head, and they say, "I know! Let's go and stay with Annie in Oxford, it's free."

Sarah is one of those people. She is a teacher so she is usually on holiday or on strike, and as such, is a regular visitor to Oxford. She was here last week, and we were sitting in my kitchen on Monday morning when I pointed to the window and suddenly exclaimed; "what the bloody hell is that yellow stuff out there?"

Sarah ventured towards the window like ET walking to his rellys' spaceship. She was blinking and gasping in awe. "You know what," she said, "If I was a betting girl, I would say that it's sunshine."

"Quick! Take a photo for my blog," I shouted.

She ignored me and started pondering; "You know what? We should do something outside today." Then she added; "how about the Botanic Gardens?"

I looked at her doubtfully; "Nah, I'm not sure about that mate. I mean, I'm pretty open-minded and all that, but I can't get my head around ritual slaughter....... or men in diapers come to think of it."

Sarah sighed. I said "Botanic Gardens, not Satanic Gardens."

"Blimey, it still sounds dodgy to me. What's that all about then?" I asked with a puzzled look on my face.

"Exotic plants." She replied.

I looked at her suspiciously; "Hardly adrenalin-tastic is it? But if you agree to lunch out beforehand, I'll give it a go."

We had a deal, and even better, I was allowed to choose the eaterie. I chose the Tick Tock Cafe on Oxford's Cowley Road. Despite being full of Italian tourists (mind you the whole of Oxford is full of Italian tourists, so much so that it makes you wonder who is running the show in Italy ....it' gotta be tumbleweed-tastic), it serves amazing homecooked food.

It is so homecooked, that even the fries are handmade (sex in a sandwich). If you like oven chips..... 'nothing to see here.... move along now....."

Pic.No.1 Inside the Tick Tock Cafe on Cowley Road.

Pic.No.2 Shit a brick! This is the first picture I have managed to take of Sarah where she looks normal

And then if planning to visit the Botanic Gardens wasn't random enough, something else amazing happened ...... I managed to take a decent photograph of Sarah. She actually had her eyes open and was smiling (rather than grimacing). Man, it was rarer than rocking-horse shit.

"Jeez, Sarah, I have managed to take a good photo of you, have a look at this," I said. And instead of admiring my artwork, she said, "Cheeky bitch." Friends just aren't what they used to be in the olden days.

After lunch, we meandered to the Botanic Gardens, crossing a bridge over the River Thames, and stopping to take this photograph................

 Pic.No.3. The River Thames in Oxford. You can't really see it, but passing under the bridge is a punt

"What the blazes is a punt?" I hear you cry.

Well, a punt is a proper English boat and the concept behind it is almost beyond comprehension. It is powered by someone standing on a ledge at the back, pushing the boat along with a big stick that reaches the riverbed. If you look at it in a non-sentimental way, it should have been 'found out' years ago and become obsolete like Candy Cigarettes for children. But it hasn't because English people are sentimental and cling onto their 'heritage' like leeches to a sherpa.

Anyway, I digress...... after passing the River Thames, we arrived at the Botanic Gardens and it soon became apparent that it was full of........ well........ plants. You will also notice that the standard of photography has gone up because Sarah was doing it and she has got an SLR camera and knows how to use all the settings. She's a bit of a swot actually. It's sickening.

 Pic.No.4 A bloody great lily leaf in the Lily House. I could sit on that and eat a Big Mac and it wouldn't sink, even if I had an extra 'side'

Pic.No.5. It's me. Hurray! I am next to a bunch of yellow flowers. Thinking about it, this caption is unwarranted isn't it?

 Pic.No.6. A yellow leaf with a bee on it. How literal is this caption? Can somebody help me? Is there anybody who can help me? (That's a quote from the film Ghost when Demi Moore's chap got stabbled)

 Pic.No.7. A cactus that looks like a penis

The picture above was my favourite. I was jumping around pointing to the cactus and shouting to Sarah; "Look here! Come and take a picture! This one looks like a bloody long penis!"

Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed a pair of cerebral Oxford-Don type of people (they pop up everywhere in Oxford) who were staring at me in shock.

I returned their gaze, also in shock, but they turned away, pointing to the exact same cactus and commenting; "That looks like the extremely rare Candelabra Cactus found only in the Serengeti. Surely it's a member of dicotyledonous member of the Magnoliopsida class and the Caryophyllales order?"

How much of a dick did I feel?

 Pic.No.8. Ermmmm, a weird blue plant with freaky black pod things

 Pic.No.9. It's me again. I am next to a pink plant

Pic.No.10. This is the pink plant close up. Another one of Sarah's arty shots

Pic.No.11. A pond with fish in it

Pic.No.12. A view of Magdalen College's church spire

So was it a good day out? Bloody right it was. I discovered that all plants are pretty much the same apart from their colour, which (I am hoping) is the message that the Botanic Gardens wanted me to take home. Plus those guys taught me a lesson or two about weeding. I mean, half the things that I thought were plants in my garden are actually weeds. One of the members of staff at the Botanic Gardens said to me, "It doesn't matter if they are weeds, if you enjoy them, that's enough." Patronising git. Good job I was in a good mood or I would have slugged him with Sarah's handbag (and it is so full of shit that it would instantly kill most adults of average size. Above average, and I estimate it would take two slugs).

So, anyone out there with any good gardening stories? Go on, don't be shy... you know you want to!