Annie's survival guide: Living off the land

Today I decided that I wanted to abandon all creature comforts and live off the land, so I drove to Shotover Park, just outside Oxford, to start my new 'simple life'. My friend Sarah was down for the weekend, so she agreed to come with me and chart the progress of my survival in the wilderness.

It was with trepidation that I parked my car in the visitors car-park. I knew that nature was unforgiving and that I would have to fight to stay alive. I made my way past the picnickers unloading wicker baskets and prams from the boots of their cars and turned to Sarah; "I need to get off the beaten track," I said, "it doesn't feel right living off the land next to a family having a picnic."

"No problem," she said, then added, "so where do you start in terms of living off the land?"

"Well," I said authoritatively, "first you have to love and respect nature. Then, you have to forage around for the basic necessities of water, food and shelter. I learnt that from Bear Grylls."

"Let's go," said Sarah, turning on her camera to capture my epic journey.

 Pic.No.1. To live off the land, first you have to love and respect nature. It was quite an easy start to be fair.

 Pic.No.2. Shelter is important and you have to use the tools that are available, so I fashioned myself this protection from the rain. It wasn't actually raining, but I was prepared and preparation is the name of the game. Just look at Boy Scouts.

 Pic.No.3. Food is important and should always be a priority in the wild, so I followed some animal tracks in an attempt to trap some prey. Sarah ruined it by pointing out that the tracks belonged to a horse so I learned to eat berries instead

Pic.No. 4. To quote Bear Grylls: "Building a fire is a great way to boost morale. And keeping morale up is the key to survival." So I got a stick, and spent half an hour rubbing it on a tree stump but nothing happened. It was quite lucky really because I realised that I had a lighter on me, so I threw the stick away. 

Pic.No.5. Getting regular rest is an important factor in keeping your strength up. I learnt to sleep in trees like a monkey, far from the dangerous creatures and insects inhabiting the forest floor. 

 Pic.No.6. A beetle. Just one of two potentially dangerous insects I encountered during my foray in the wild. Ok, I know that beetles aren't dangerous, but it does demonstrate how easy it is to come across insects, some of which could potentially be dangerous.

Pic. No.7. A weapon is essential for killing prey, and also killing members of other tribes or picnickers who show aggression. I fashioned this spear from a branch and Naughty George is being the prey to give me some practice. [Note to reader: I didn't actually kill Naughty George because killing my own dog would just be wrong even if I am living off the land. I just pretended to spear him in slow motion. He didn't mind though because he was wagging his tail throughout.]

Pic.No.8. Finally, as the afternoon closed in, I realised that I would need shelter to survive. So I found a canopy of leaves that formed a natural bivouac. I climbed in and prepared myself for the new dangers that come with nightfall. 

"Is that you done for the night?" Sarah asked, whilst I made myself comfortable. 

"Yep, I'll be spending the night here, and then rising at the crack of dawn to hunt my first meal of the day," I replied, scowling at a passing family who were dragging along a crying toddler. 

"Ok then, I'll leave you to it," said Sarah. 

"What do you mean 'you'll leave me to it'," I asked, "how are you going to chart my progress if you aren't here?"

"Well you aren't going to be doing anything other than sleeping, so there's no point in me hanging around," she replied.

"So what are you going to do?" I asked incredulously. 

"Go back to your house and order myself a pizza," she said. 

"What flavour?" I queried. 

"A vegetarian with extra ham topping," she answered. 

"That sounds nice," I mused, "I could just eat one of them; blackberries aren't that filling."

"Well why don't you come back and have one?" asked Sarah. 

"Because I am supposed to be living off the land," I said matter-of-factly. 

"Maybe you should build up to it gradually, like an athlete preparing for a marathon," she suggested. 

"Good point, well made," I nodded, "I have, after all, I've managed to complete an hour and a half in the wild so far." 

As I write this post, I have a large Dominos pizza on my lap, and I am fondly recounting the tales of my life in the wilderness to Sarah, who is watching CSI Miami on TV and showing no interest in learning about my new found survival skills.

Just wait until she gets stranded one day. She will regret this moment.