A few months ago, true to form, Sam emailed and asked if I would like to go and see a comedy show in Wycombe that she knew was coming up.
"Damn right I would," I replied, "I bloody love watching live comedy."
"Sorted." She said, "I'll get us the tickets."
Cool. We were destined for a live show in Wycombe. That was a good thing, even though it was in Wycombe. Just to give you an inkling; if Wycombe were a person, it would be called Derek.
So last Wednesday, Sam picked me up and we drove to the Wycombe Swan Theatre.
I know that you are dying to find out who we were going to see, so without further ado, let me tell you...... Sam had managed to get us tickets to see Jimmy Carr! Hurray! That quick-witted, oily haired comedian, with a face that looks like a buttock with eyes. Nice one Sam.
Pic.No.1. Jimmy Carr. Just in case you were wondering where you knew him from, it's the TV show 'Eight out of Ten Cats'
So, not only were we going to see Jimmy Carr (woo hoo), but Sam had picked me up an hour earlier than was necessary so that we had time for a cold beer in the sunshine before the show started. Now that's what I call attention to detail. If only the youth of today were so conscientious, Britain would be great again, and we could start colonising countries that wanted us to 'do one'.
Unfortunately the beer and sunshine combo proved a little bit too successful, and as Sam languidly checked her watch to see what time it was, her languidness (have I just made that word up?) immediately evaporated.
"Bloody hell!" she shouted, " the performance started 10 minutes ago!"
Now herein lies the difference between me and Sam. The fact that I was only 10 minutes late caused me to glow with self-satisfaction. Sam on the other hand is the most punctual and organised person I know, and as such, was horrified that we were late, and doubly horrified at my laissez faire attitude to being late.
Pic.No.1. Our dash to the Wycombe Swan Theatre
We dashed to the theatre to find that the foyer was deserted, meaning that everyone was already seated. We carefully opened the door to the auditorium, only to be met with an Usher who hissed under his breath, "the performance started 12 minutes ago."
"Yes, we know," I hissed back. "Can we still come in?"
He frowned and whispered, "yes, but you will have to sit at the back to avoid disturbing the performance."
Oh dear, it meant that we couldn't occupy our 'prime position' seats in the centre of the auditorium.
At first we were a little crestfallen, but then I recalled (from repeated experience), that being late nearly always has unexpected benefits.
"Like what?" Sam whispered.
"Because we are at the back, we can keep nipping out to the bar to replenish our beer," I replied. "It's perfect."
Sam approved; "Result," she grinned.
'So,' I hear you cry, 'what was Jimmy Carr like?'
Ach no, I can't believe you asked me that question. It is one of the most difficult questions to answer - how on earth can I convey how funny he is, when I've only got a bunch of adjectives to hand? I mean, you have to actually watch the show to appreciate his rapier wit.
Pic.No.2. Jimmy Carr doing his stand-up routine
But to give you a bit of an idea, he was rude.... very rude. Instead of long stories, he banged out three laughs a minute for the entire time. But he really came into his own when he was ad-libbing. He invited the audience to ask him any question they wanted..... and they did....... and every time without fail, he came back with a quick-as-a-flash, funny-as-hell answer. Blimey, the guy is sharper than the annoying screw that protrudes from the fourth step of my staircase at home.
Pic.No.3. Jimmy Carr wows the audience
And my favourite joke from the show? Without doubt it has to be the scouse joke. As nonchalont as you like, he stood forward and started talking about Liverpool ...... "did you know," he said, "that Liverpool is the only city in the UK that has a branch of JD Sports with an evening-wear department?"
Sheer brilliance. I highly recommend that you catch up with him if you can get tickets..... and Sam, thanks for a great night out.