Dear Diary, today was a bad day

'So', I hear you cry, 'what did you get up to at the weekend?'

Well, lets just say that things didn't get off to an auspicious start. The plan was: I was going to spend a fun weekend with Izzy and her lovely friend Honey, who was coming round for a sleepover.

In actuality, Saturday started at 8.00am with a text message bleeping in my earhole. It was from the tenants who live in my London house, and it said..... "Sorry to bother you, but the ceiling in the kitchen is a funny shape."

The ceiling in the kitchen is a funny shape? What the blazes was that supposed to mean?

I texted back, perplexed; "Hi. Don't know what you mean about the ceiling being a funny shape. Can you email me a picture?"

"Yes, will do it now." Came the reply.

I waited anxiously next to my computer until I heard the 'ping' of a new email.  I opened the attached picture and was confronted with this.........

Pic.No.1. The kitchen ceiling

OMG! The ceiling was indeed a funny shape! And it was also abundantly clear what had caused it. I picked up the phone and dialled my tenants faster than a greased weasel in a drainpipe.

"Hello?" said the tenant upon answering the phone.

"Hi, it's Anne. You've got a major water leak from the bathroom above, and it's causing the ceiling to bow," I said breathlessly.

"Oh," he said, sounding a little disinterested. Somehow, I sensed that he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

"Look have you done anything to stop it?" I asked hurriedly.

"Erm, let me think....... " he pondered........ then added, "no."

"Ok, you need to listen carefully," I said authoritatively. "First of all isolate the electrics because it is leaking onto the light fitting and you could get fried. Secondly, turn off the stop-cock, to cut off the water."

"No problem," he said, and the next thing I could hear were lots of strange rustling sounds in the background. The tenant reappeared on the phone; "all done," he said.

"Phew," I said with relief. Then added, "I need to you make a small hole in the ceiling to try and release the pressure of the water. In the meantime, I'll get you an emergency plumber."

"Cool, thanks for that," he said cheerily, and hung up.

Welcome to the weekend. NOT.
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So, from the moment I opened my eyes on Saturday morning, I was catapulted into disaster-management mode. And the next thing I needed to do was find a plumber who was willing to work on a Saturday.

This was no mean feat, because all the decent plumbers don't need to work on a Saturday ........... so after 30 minutes on the phone, I finally find one who was willing to look at the leak.

"Hi, I need a plumber to come and look at a water leak that is causing a ceiling to bow," I said to the plumber when he answered the phone.

"Oooph," he said, with a sharp intake of breath, "it's gonna cost ya, what wiv' it being weekend and all." I could tell that the bastard knew he had me over a barrel. "I'll be there at 10.30am or thereabouts," he added. [Note to self: I bet his eyes are too close together, and he probably has height issues too].

I kept in regular phone contact with my tenants to find out how things were going, during which time Mr plumber ripped half the tiles off the bathroom wall, dragged the bath into the middle of the bathroom, capped off the pipes that were leaking, then went home. Oh yes, you read right. He hadn't fixed the problem, he had only contained it, and for that, he had charged £190.00. I 'd been mugged. 

It couldn't get any worse right? Wrong.

Two hours after the plumber left my London house, I got a text from my tenants.

"Hi there, just to let you know that the kitchen ceiling isn't looking too good."

What's the blazes was that supposed to mean? 

I texted back; "Hi, can you send me a picture so I can see what you mean?" 

"Yes, will do it now." Came the reply.


Again, I waited anxiously next to my computer until I heard the 'ping' of an incoming email. I opened the attached picture to find this ..............................

Pic.No.2. Something's not quite right with that ceiling

Sacre-bloody-bleu! The bloody ceiling had collapsed! I was starting to feel battle weary, but I rang the tenant again; "Hey, look," I said, "I am going to drive down there first thing on Monday to try and sort it all out - is that ok?"

"Yes, no problem," he replied cheerily.
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So, after a morning spent with damage limitation, I was finally free to turn my attentions to Izzy and her friend Honey. They were unconcernedly bouncing on the trampoline whilst I was dealing with the angst caused by the disasters in London. Oh, to be that carefree again!

A fun afternoon spent with the girls redeemed things somewhat, and hell, I was even feeling more optimistic. That was until evening arrived, and along with it, bath time. Whilst they were splashing around in the water, (would-you-believe-it?), a shelf inexplicably fell off the wall, covering us in toothbrushes, toothpaste and an assortment of toiletries.

Grrrrrr...... deep breaths....... I silently picked everything up and put it to one side to sort out later. At this point, I desperately wanted to sit crossed legged, chanting Ommmm, Ommmm, but I knew I would look like a mentalist.

Instead, I tried to keep my karma, supervising Izzy and Honey whilst they dried themselves after their bath. They handed me their towels. I went to put them on the towel rack and the bloody thing fell off the wall, landing in three pieces on the floor.

By this time I had run the gamut of emotions: Anxiety, annoyedness (have I made that word up?), frustration, despair and pessimism. I must have been really bad in a previous life right?

Now, only one thought entered my mind .......... "Candid Camera?"