It was the middle of last week when I got a text from a friend called Deanna; 'Fancy coming up north for the weekend?' she asked. 'It's grim up there, but go on then.' I replied.
After rushing around at home all Saturday morning trying to get my washing and housework done, I finally hit the M40 motorway at lunchtime and headed north, clutching my passport and surgical mask.
My latest hobby is spotting irritating signs, and it wasn't long before I encountered a paragon of exasperating silliness. You can just about see it on the photograph below; 'CONGESTION. SLOW DOWN. 40'. Now, is it me, or is putting a sign like that randomly illuminated on the motorway going to be a self-fulfilling prophesy? If (for example) you have a thousand cars a minute passing through a mile stretch of motorway, and then tell them all to drive at 40mph, it is bound to cause congestion, surely? Because the cars behind are still approaching at the same volume but at a greater speed, so they are all going to bunch up (technical term). I demand a government investigation!
After my 'sign vexation', I decided to try and keep myself entertained by spotting Northern things, and it wasn't long before I detected a pit, where most northern people work, generally getting up before they have gone to bed, eating coal and getting paid in Shekels.
That wasn't the only thing I noticed ...... I was in Lancashire and the sun was out. How irregular.
Anyway, I arrived at Deanna and Mick's house at 2.3opm, and Deanna shouted; "Hiya ya southern pansy!"
"Greetings northerners!" I shouted back, even though I was hugging Deanna.
It was then that Mick (nickname Coat Hanger, and pictured above) turned to me and piped up; "Eh up, she's actually a plastic southerner, cos she were born and bred in Burnley."
I turned to him urgently, putting my forefinger on my lips, "sssssssssh," I hissed, "don't tell anyone that, my nickname is Lady M, and you will ruin my southern rep."
We all headed outside to sit in the garden, "blimey Deanna, I can't get used to all this sunshine up north," I said to her.
"You're not kidding," she replied, "but look at me, I look a right numpty because I have to wear two pairs of glasses to stop being dazzled." It's transpires that in the absence of reactolites, Deanna had decided to improvise............
After an amusing afternoon in the garden, we all had a Chinese meal and went to meet some more of the chaps at the Thatch in Barrowford, for the evening. Is it me, or has this entry petered out a bit? I think it is because I ran out of photographs ............................... and my inspiration was sucked away counter clockwise like an Australian plughole.