Friday, 24 July 2009

I am a victim

Sorry, sorry. I know that I have been a bit patchy with my entries in the last half week. But do you want to know something? writing a blog is a bit like Newton's third law of motion; for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

'How so, you weirdo?' I can hear you asking. Well it's a bit tenuous, but the more that happens in a week, the less time there is to write about it and then a backlog builds up. It's perverse that's what it is. Anyway, I seem to have gone around this in a rather protracted way. What I should have just said up front is; "phew, I've been a bit busy."

Yep, I have been chained to the photographic studio all last week, re-photographing our Kudos darkwood range because we changed the wood from Sheesham to ash ,and the colour is slightly different. Now if you are a photographer, you would probably enjoy the task, but I am an Engineer and would rather knock out technical drawings than do arty stuff anyday.

Pic. No. 1 My gilded and cabled cage

Actually, I noticed something whilst I was in the photo studio today. We have scores of different vases so that we can dress the furniture in different ways, and in every single one is a dead, spindly spider (the ones with the tiny bodies that make you think 'how does that body sustain those legs?'). Why are those spiders choosing to die in my vases? It's like an elephant's graveyard except for spiders.

Then if pondering the spider situation wasn't bad enough, I was photographing a 'Hidden Home Office', when Phil crept into the photo studio and managed the near enough impossible feat of a 'sliding Zoolander' right in the middle of my roomset.

Basically, a sliding Zoolander is a bit like a sliding tackle, but instead of kicking a football, you do an impression of Zoolander. Mastering this maneouvre can take years, and is only undertaken by the foolhardy, so please don't try this at home [that is a disclaimer].

"Oi! Get out of my photo studio!" I shouted at him even though he was right in front of me, "If I publish your photograph on the website, our sales will go down."

"What are you saying?" he asked, sidling out of the studio looking all hang-dog. Blimey, you just can't get the staff.

After a strenuous day behind the camera, I decided to go home and as I was creeping along in a traffic jam caused by torrential rain, I made two observations. The first involves BBC Radio Oxford. I have never listened to a radio station that is so lacking in content. As my journey got slower and slower, I gradually became conscious of the interview that was being conducted. It was a computer specialist attempting to solve an error on a listener's computer. Whose idea was it to come up with a slot where listeners ring up and get their computers fixed? That is the most completely Alan Partridge thing I have ever encountered. Computer errors are tedious enough without listening to other people's. The interview went something like this:

Engineer: So what do you see when you try and load Internet Explorer?

Listener: A message saying that the webpage cannot be displayed.

Engineer: What method are you using to connect to the internet? Wi-Fi? LAN?

Listener: I don't know

Engineer: I think you need to contact your Internet Service Provider [this is the punchline by the way].

Listener: Ok thanks.

End of call.

OMG! How dire is that? Anyway, still crawling along in traffic, I turned my attentions to other bits of my car, and it was then that I noticed something incredibly irritating. Etched onto my wing mirror was this: 'Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear'.

Now that is not strictly true is it? Surely it should be 'Objects reflected in the mirror are closer than they appear'?

Car manufacturers are leaving themselves wide open to litigation with that lack of attention to detail. Tsk. Tsk.

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