Today was very peaceful because Juan and Becks were out on a training course - Something to do with optimising our warehouse systems. All I know is that we had to fork out on a very expensive hotel with free wi-fi, a leisure centre and swimming pool.
"Surely these things aren't a necessary part of warehouse optimisation?" I queried as the scamps presented me with their expense claims.
"It's the only hotel within 70 miles of the training course," they assured me.
"I thought that the course was in Coventry?" I replied.
"Coventry is very primitive," Becks said and Juan nodded vigorously.
"Ok then," I said, begrudingly signing off the forms, "it's not like the good old days though. Employees then were treated as expendable commodities, and rightly so. There was none of this 4 star hotel milarky, training courses, equal opportunities and employee rights nonsense."
Before I could continue my soliloquy, a chap from Fedex waltzed into the office and dropped a big parcel on my desk.
"Can you sign for this love?" he asked and before I could protest about the 'love' bit, he had picked up Phil's new iPhone, asking "any good mate?"
I tutted, signed for the parcel and handed it back to Fedex-man (sounds like a superhero name) who was now admiring the new software that Phil had downloaded onto his phone giving it a guitar fret that he could strum. Saddos.
I rolled my eyes, and then realised that I had a Skype call coming in from Andy (our IT Director) who is based in Australia.
"G'day sport!" he said when I answered the call (ok I embellished that bit - he is actually English).
"Alright Dingo, what can I do for you?" I asked.
"I decided that you have to get rid of that crappy Sony Vaio laptop and get something decent," he replied, "you should have had a parcel arrive today."
I turned and looked at the parcel on my desk that Fedex-Man had just dropped off. How lucky is that?
"Yep, it is here on my desk," I replied, "let me open it." Out came the scissors and after half an hour of cutting, ripping and snapping polystyrene, the box finally disgorged not one, but THREE laptops.
"Have you got them?" asked Dingo excitedly
"Ummmmm...... yes, I appear to have three Breeze Blocks with 'IBM' stamped on the side. They are that thick that I will need a step to be able to see the keyboard," I laughed, and then Phil joined in; "we could use them as pallets!" he said.
I replied, "Phil you are going on holiday again tomorrow, beware if you take one of these because EasyJet charge £8.00 for items that weigh more than 20kg!" and we both fell around laughing again.
Dingo, (like all computer geeks) sounded bemused, "these machines are IBM T61 Thinkpads. They are the Rolls Royce of laptops and they cost at least £1500.00 each. They are designed for serious business use"
"You are kidding me?" I asked. Then Phil piped up, "I would rather be shallow and have a good-looking cardboard cut-out than that brick."
"You are bloody useless," Dingo sighed, exasperated. I will just configure them and send them over.
"Thanks!" we shouted back.
"Owww. Phil. Help me! An IBM T61 laptop has fallen on me and I am pinned to the floor!"
[irritatingly enough, not 3 hours after berating the IBM laptops, my piece-of-crap Sony Vaio failed to boot up when I got home and (yet again) I had to go through all the start-up repair, diagnostics etc. NEVER buy a Sony Vaio]