So, I've just got back to Oxford after a jaunt 'oop north'.
Man alive, it's been a busy week: In case you've been sitting in a broom cupboard all week with a copy of Men's Health, last weekend marked the Queen's diamond jubilee celebrations.
Sixty bloody years on the throne ...... that's older than the pizza at the back of my fridge. It would be rude not to join in the celebrations, especially as I'm an unapologetic royalist. For heaven's sake, they only cost each UK taxpayer 65 pence per year, which is a right bargain for a real-life soap opera. That's less than a box of Pop Tarts, and far more fruity.
The celebrations in this instance, involved Izzy and I joining a party up in Anstey (Leicestershire) at my cousin's (Jane) house. We headed up last Sunday and arrived at lunchtime, just as the celebrations were about to begin.
I have to say that Jane was pretty brave. Not only were Izzy and I staying for a couple of days, but also her friend Georgina, and her three kids. That made nine of us in total. The house was fuller than Victoria Beckham after eating a stick of celery.
The festivities were split over two days: Sunday was a BBQ at the house, and Monday was a picnic in the village recreational ground. It was party food-tastic.
And because I am kinder than Mother Theresa, but with more stylish sandals, I have got some photographs for you to demonstrate our patrioticness (maybe I will get a CBE or something).
Sunday - BBQ lunch (gobble, gobble)
Pic.No.1 This is Izzy and Zak (Georgina's son) getting into the spirit of things by holding up paper plates
Pic.No.2 The full complement of sprogs. From left: Finlay, Zak, Izzy, Imogen and Mitch. I made them all sit on one table so that I could avoid the crossfire, should chicken nuggets go airborne
Pic.No.3 Now let's add the adults into the Mix (Georgina is left, and Jane - aka Cara - is right). There was more crossfire on the grown-up table. A lump of grilled halloumi bounced off my head
Pic.No.4 That is Imogen behind that bloody huge pile of buns. She has got a patriotic flag on her forehead
Pic.No.5 Naughty George was conscripted into the festivities whilst having a power nap
Pic.No.6 But then he realised he had a crown on his head and stared at me in a 'WTF is that on my head' kind of a way
Pic.No.7 After a busy day, it was time to watch a random jubilee TV programme about the Queen's dobbins. Naaaaay
Monday - A giant Jubilee picnic at Anstey Recreational Grounds (more nom, nom, nom)
Pic.No.8 The day started off with Jane getting all the sprogs into the festive spirit. Here you can see Izzy's patriotic nail varnish
Pic.No.9 Zak didn't want to be left out so he had his nails done too. Naughty George doesn't look too happy about being sandwiched between two nail-varnished rug rats
Pic.No.10 This is Zak and Izzy trying to dry their nail varnish. Then they snogged and Zak asked Izzy if she would be his girlfriend (Izzy's words. She said she would. It was beautiful
Pic.No.11 Naughty George manages to grab a nap despite the challenging circumstances
Pic.No.12 Finally it was time to head off to the picnic. This is Izzy and Zak arriving at the village recreational ground. Izzy was dressed as a medeival queen so that she could chop people's heads off (my idea)
Pic.No.13 Imogen got into the spirit of things by waving a Union Jack napkin and posing next to a prostrate cuddly toy that had been twatted by a bottle of orange juice
Pic.No.14 A picture of the Anstey picnic. What the blazes is that blue thing in the distance? Holey schmoley, it's sky
Pic.No.15 The sproglets enjoying their picnic with a random pair of legs
Pic.No.16 It's Mitch. I thought he would like his cider more than he did
Pic.No.17 Zak with his streaky bacon tongue prosthetic. All the celebs are getting them nowadays ...... apparently. Ok, I can't back that up
Pic.No.18 Zak with his new 'girlfriend'. He's buttering her up with chocolate mini-rolls. And she's fallen for it
Pic.No.19 My cousin Jane. I think she likes crisps
Pic.No.20 This is Georgina eating a ham roll. It was a totally exotic picnic
Pic.No.21 About time ..... there haven't been enough pictures of me. Now who says I don't get into the spirit of things? Ummmmm?
Pic.No.22 My cousin Jane with her son Mitch. He has just realised that the last chocolate mini-roll has beeen devoured. Not a happy chappy
Pic.No.23 As luck would have it, Prince Philip also turned up at the celebrations. Given his recent bladder problems, I wasn't so sure that I wanted him near the sandwiches
Pic.No.24 After kicking Prince Philip into touch because of urinary concerns, we were honoured to have Kate Middleton make an appearance. The epitome of grace and dignity
Pic.No.25 And there was entertainment for the sprogs in the form of a bouncy castle. But apparently (according to Zak) it had been blown up too much, and as such, was not conducive to effective bouncing
Pic.No.26 But all good things must come to an end. This is Zak and Izzy heading home through the vilage
Pic.No.27 "We need yet more pictures of me!" I declared. So here is one with Izzy
Pic.No.28 This is me teaching the youngsters how to do a Zoolander. Honestly, the kids of today don't have a clue
Pic.No.29 Once back home, we were in time for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee concert on the TV. This is a picture of Paul McCartney singing
Pic.No.30 This is Prince Charles and his wife, Horse, honouring the Queen at the end of the concert. Prince Philip couldn't make it because he was in hospital with a bladder infection. Too much information that. Why couldn't they just say 'ill'
It was all bally enjoyable patriotic fun. Except for Cheryl Cole singing. If I'd been a vet I would probably have tried to put her out of her apparent misery.
And that was the bulk of my Diamond Jubilee celebrations. I didn't get back to Oxford for another six days, hence the radio silence.
So that was the main of my Diamond Jubilee fun dahlink - what did you get up to?