So the morning after I had arrived, I staggered weakly into the living room and announced to Clare that I needed a huge breakfast otherwise I might faint. I even collapsed onto the sofa (so it wouldn't hurt) for added gravitas.
Clare pondered for a while, "ok, I've got a plan," she said, "we can go to Bob Evans for breakfast".
Bob Evans is one of those places that you frequent if you like eating all the pies: I seriously doubt whether there is a dish on the menu that comes in at under 3000 calories. It's proper fat bastard fodder. Nom nom nom - my favourite.
We jumped into Clare's (new) car and hit the highway bound for Bob Evans. Without 15 minutes we were being shown to our table by a cross-eyed server called Candy.
Pic.No.1 I ordered a Border Scramble which consisted of eggs, sauteed potatoes (home fries), omelette, sausage, spicy sauce, sour cream and a side of lard. It was sex on a plate
Pic.No.2 But because my body is a
temple shack, and I wanted to offset some of the lard, I also ate these two grapes. That was my vitamin for the day
I have to say, that no other country can do breakfast like America. It is a far cry from being in the UK where you basically just eat toast and if you remain hungry, you are given more toast. It's not the most imaginative way to start the day.
I digress. After breakfast things went a bit downhill. And the numero uno reason for this was because shopping got involved. I needed some new summer clothes, and after seeing my shit-brown golfing shorts, Clare readily agreed.
Mind you, Clare likes shopping she does. She likes it as much as I dislike it. In fact she likes it so much that she is an extreme couponer. She won't buy anything unless it is free with a coupon.
Pic.No.3 Me? I don't care for shopping or couponing, but I do like to try shoes on when they have got comedy value
Pic.No.4 Look at these puppies! It's like something that Victoria Beckhan would wear
Regarding my general safety, you will be pleased to hear that I didn't buy the shoes. The reason being is that I never buy shoes that you can't run in. It is a philosophy that has served me well in my life.
But I did buy some rather nice cropped trousers and a couple of tops, so it was mission successful, and Clare was just well happy that she didn't have to hang round with someone wearing golfing shorts.
So dahlink, that was me easing myself gently into my first day in America. What the devil have you been up to this weekend?