Monday, 7 March 2011

Man alive. Welcome to the dodgy jumper club

Last weekend I was visiting my cousin Jane and cooing over her five-week-old baby, Mitchell, when she asked if I wanted to see all the lovely baby things that she had been given.

 Pic.No.1 This is a picture of Mitchell. Even though he has just been born, he is quite clearly thinking 'are you looking at me or chewing a brick? Either way you are gonna lose your teeth.' Babies these days don't know they're born. I was working down the pits and eating coal when I was his age

"Yeh, cool bring 'em out," I said enthusiastically because I love 'stuff', especially when it's free.

Jane hauled out a huge bag of brand new baby things, and we oohed and aahed over the little booties, romper suits and cute hats.

Then suddenly I saw it; "Jeez Jane. What the BLOODY hell is that?" I asked, recoiling and pointing at the item in her hand.

"It's supposed to be a jumper; it was given to me by one of my out-laws," she replied holding it up for me to see.

"Shit mate, you can't dress Mitchell in that," I said, aghast, "that's the kind of garment that his baby mates will never forget and he'll have his pocket-money stolen for his entire life."

 Pic.No.2. Blimey, I consider myself lucky to have been dressed in sackcloth as a baby

I took it out of her hands so that I could examine it at closer quarters; "it's got loads of holes in it, I pointed out, "and the seams don't match up. And I'm no expert but it looks like it has been constructed using the pearl one - knit one method."

"That's because it's homemade," replied Jane.

"UGH! Homemade!" I shouted, subconsciously flinging the jumper down, "for crikey's sake, how long has she been knitting?"

"To be fair, she is a beginner," replied Jane, "but to be honest, I don't really think she has taken to it."

"No shit, Sherlock," I said, before adding, "there is NO excuse for Mitchell wearing homemade clothes now that Gucci have introduced a babies collection."

"Totally agree with the Gucci thing, but I have a dilemma," Jane continued.

"What's that then?" I asked.

"She [the knitting woman] is coming round to visit next week. Do I dress Mitchell in the jumper or not?" she asked.

So my dear reader, I did not answer her question because I want to hear what you would do. Should Mitchell wear the jumper...... or not? Hmmmmm?! And can you beat this jumper in terms of crap baby-presents? I throw down the gauntlet!


  1. You need an excuse for not wearing that.....

    Got it.....

    You took naughty George with you and he ate it!!!

    Problem solved

  2. Naughty George is a bastard, but not even he would touch that jumper..... even though he eats raw celery

  3. i say have mitchell wear the sweater.

    it's only once and it will make the woman feel good, etc, etc, but the best bit is that his mum can take loads of pictures, and blackmail mitchell when he gets older.

  4. Shit Kage! You are a genius. I have never thought about the mother-blackmailing-son option. Nice one. I owe ya!

  5. Yes I can... Twelve, I say Twelve white knitted cardies and... we lived in Bloody Spain for God's sake ! Most wrapped up baby- yes.

    Get baby to wear it & vomit on it & projectile vomit on maker too - that should do it.

    Or say, " How did you know baby was entering a fancy dress competition ? a one arm longer than the other Alien of course.

    OR "How lovely to think of baby AND donate to the local neonatal ward... It will do for two...or Siamese twins"

    Or " Bless...that you should think I need a tea cosy"

  6. Send it up flo will wear it!

  7. Fuck off! No way would you put Flo in that?!

  8. I am almost afraid to answer! Here goes.... yes, definitely have the baby wear it when the 'knitter' is there! If she returns, say, in a couple of weeks, the excuse could be that he grew out of it. He's going to be a bruiser!!!

  9. Consideration must be given to the financial status of the out-law knitter. Wearing this butt-ugly sweater now is a small price to pay for future visits to country home with well-stocked stable.

  10. ~to the knitter: "Oh, I wanted to tell you. He wore the sweater you made on Sunday. I got sooo many compliments on it!"

    no wearing the icky thing, make the knitter feel good. Good accomplishment for knitting, bad choice of thing to knit.

  11. I have to the risk of hurt feelings of someone who clearly worked hard to make the sweater and did so with loads of love (and colorblind eyes)...put Mitchell in the sweater while she is there.

    THEN? Take loads of pictures for blackmail *shakes fist at Kage for posting part of my idea*

    THEN? Then throw the fucking ugly thing in the wash machine with some acid, a load of rocks, and a rabid porcupine and then next time she's there tell her he grew out of it, or that the wash machine ate it.

    WHAT? The bloody wash machine eats my socks on a regular basis, why wouldn't it eat an ugly sweater?

  12. Cue stage right- enter Naughty George who proceeds to rib said garment to shreds! Problem solved! LOL

    I could have used Naughty George today on our walk. There was a mean woman out there with her dog and I started to tell her she better watch it or I'll borrow Naughty George and bring him out to nip her!

  13. "Well, I put it on him this morning so that you could see him wearing it. But he barfed most of his ravioli down it, just before you arrived so I've had to put it in the wash. It's a shame, because he looked really lovely in it."

  14. first thought is that the poor little guy should wear it at least once in front of the relative who put so much love into making it, but then I realized what a slippery slope that could be - we surely don't want to encourage a butt-ugly sweater tradition!

  15. Oh yeah - he's gotta wear it. But only on the condition he has the look he has in that photo.

    At least he'll have good reason to look grumpy! And when he sees the photo in years to come, he'll be able to state that even at such a young age, he know when he didn't like something mum made him wear lol

  16. That baby looks like the kind of baby who would smack you one if you put it in such a piece of clothing. And too right.

  17. Hello Ari-1965, are you new round here? If yes, welcome - it is nice to have you around!

  18. Hello James, is this your first visit? Welcome! It's always good to have new people stop by! Do you have a blog?


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