Now, the impending fame got me thinking. Maybe I should try hard a bit harder to look the part; you know, embrace the values of a celebrity in order to grease the wheels of my PR machine (which technically doesn't actually exist yet but when it does, I assure you it will look like the shiniest blue Combine Harvester you have ever seen, with an inbuilt sound system).
So, this evening I sat down and put together a Project Plan to take me from pleb to celeb. Here goes (it's all very secret squirrel, so please let's keep it amongst ourselves):
1. Have a boob job and then wear low-cut tops that makes 'em look like they could flop out at any moment.
2. Have a nose job that gives me tiny oblong nostrils and two distinctive pointy bumps on each corner of the end.
3. Get botox so that I can look 'permanently surprised' like my celebrity heroes.
4. Release my own perfume called 'Minging - l'homme deterrent' (yeh, I know. PR genuis).
5. Find a string of basketball / NFL playing boyfriends, each of whom I would date for approximately five weeks before dumping them, citing 'distance' as the reason. Dumping people because of 'distance' is so 'de rigueur' dahlink.
6. Weight. I am going to slim from a 'ground zero' to a 'size zero' by eating macro-bionic, GI, glucose, Atkins, lactose food. And then I am going to be very careful that I don't fall down grates.
7. I am going to have some meaningful Chinese words tattooed on the back of my neck and on my wrist. And because I can't read Chinese, I am going to hope that I haven't been duped into having something crap tattooed like 'baked beans' or 'yellow snow'.
Pic.No.1. This is going to be me after I have become a proper celebrity. And yes that is a killer whale behind me. Pet goldfish are for poor people
So there you have it! My cunning plan to morph myself into a celebrity. What do you think - genuis eh?
In order to pre-empt the autograph hunters, I am going to invest in one of those queue control things outside my front door. You know the ones - they are made up of shiney silver uprights joined together by seatbelt material.
P.S. I was a bit worried that Widow Lady said that she couldn't understand some of the things I was saying, so I included hyperlinks to the very British words. Like minging, and blimey and pleb.
P.P.S. You can read the Widow Lady's blog by clicking here. Enjoy! She is great!
Anne Dickens | The day after yesterday