1. Broken nose. Caused by; larking around with Naughty George and slipping on a wobbly patio stone before landing face first in the concrete. Outcome: I looked scarily like a victim of unspecified violence and got sympathetic looks wherever I went which was really cool. And I still have a scar on the bridge of my nose, which probably makes people think I am a cage-fighter and therefore they had better avoid mugging me.
Pic.No.1 Wobbly patio stones have a lot to answer for
2. Broken middle finger: Caused by; playing hockey against vicious opponents. Having said that, I did accidentally break someone's arm whilst also playing hockey. Outcome: My finger was strapped up for several weeks which was more of a pain in the ass than it being broken.
3. Chipped shin bone: Caused by; chasing my nauseatingly annoying brother, and tripping over a metal door rim in a caravan whilst on a family holiday. Outcome: Horrible dent in my shin which still makes me shudder when I touch it.
4. Broken big toe: Caused by; an ill-timed kick at a 6'4" German bloke whilst sparring in a karate class. Outcome: The doctor said that they can't treat broken toes, so I ended up not being able to walk for a week. Bummer.
5. Broken little finger: Caused by; dropping my motorbike on it. Outcome: The doctor said it would need operating on in order to straighten it, so I ran out of the hospital post-haste because I don't like anything that could potentially involve needles.
Pic.No.2. I ran away from the doctor and so my finger has stayed all bent. But I think of it as my 'tag'
6. Left wrist broken in three places: Caused by; crashing my horse into a van after it bolted into a road. Outcome: I was in a full-arm plaster-cast for eight weeks and bathing was a pain in the ass because I couldn't get it wet. And it always itched in places I couldn't reach. Now that IS torture.
7. Four broken ribs: Caused by; same as above (horse bolting). Outcome: Doctors can't treat broken ribs apparently, so I spent five days feeling like I was breathing in fire and brimstone and nearly spewing from the pain.
8. Broken foot: Caused by; falling sideways off a kerb whilst shopping (how weeky is that?). Outcome: Six weeks in a knee-high plaster-cast meaning that I couldn't drive to work. Fabulous!
9. Eight stitches to a wound in my thigh: Caused by; falling onto a glass whilst dancing (naked) in the bathroom and slipping on some water on the floor. Scary amounts of blood loss. Outcome: The doctor said I was lucky to be alive because the wound was 1mm away from my femoral artery. What the blazes is that then? (A perfect example of why living in ignorance leads to a happier life).
10. Fractured coccyx: Caused by; attempting an ambitious jump after only being on a snowboard for three days. Outcome: Five days lying prostrate in a hotel in Chamonix, France, and relying on other people to take me to the toilet and bath. Horribly embarrassing.
So, as you have probably gathered, this post is all about gruesome injuries. And I want to hear about the worst injuries that you have sustained. Even better, if you have a picture, i will publish it on my blog.
Hurray for gruesome injury day! Bring on your favourite lacerations!
P.S. Just in case you were wondering, the top three most painful injuries that I sustained were: Broken toe, chipped shin and fractured coccyx.
P.P.S. My injury rate has subsided recently now that I have taken up blogging as a hobby.